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Episode 018 - How to deal with negative people
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Negative people always seem to pop up whenever you are doing something different to them. Listen to this week’s episode and take away the 3 ways negative people can impact your life and listen to Dr Ro’s 5 step process for dealing with negative people in this feature length episode.
So many of our listeners are go-getters, do-ers, business owners, startup entrepreneurs, property investors, public speakers, community leaders and generally doing something which is against the grain. We all at some point have to overcome the influence of a negative person or worse, persons.
Dr Ro & Harms take on these negative influences by guiding you through the following questions:
- How do negative people show up in your life?
- Why do they behave in that way?
- The three types of negative people that will show up?
- Who is responsible for this negativity?
- How their negative influence can impact you?
- Dr Ro’s 5 step process for dealing with negative people?
PLUS a bonus rapid process for rapid decision making in the face of negative people
As a quick reference guide for those who need to know the 5 step process, here is a brief breakdown extracted straight from the episode:
- Thank people for their opinion and let them know that this is what THEY think which is naturally different to what you think. Let them know that you have a strong conviction towards what you are doing, although you appreciate they think differently to you would respectfully ask that they don’t allow their view to put you off or drag you down.
- Cut them off completely…… ONLY JOKING. Limit your time with that person or simply opt not to discuss THIS topic with them – IF AT ALL. If on the other hand they are just negative by nature you have to consider if being around them helps you as a person. This is a tough one… loyalty etc. Think of your health, mental health, vision and family.
- Continue to build and strengthen your beliefs around the subject. Read and listen to personal development, watch videos in the Seekardo Vault or come join the private Facebook group. Master communication and learn and then learn how to articulate this around others that are negative. Your conviction will deflect many negative people. Learn to CWI your message.
- Hangout with GREAT people with a positive mindset. Continue to listen to the podcast, hang out in the Seekardo, attend a Meetup.
- Be grateful for all the people you meet positive and negative. Learn from their view of the world. Use good and bad experience to shape your beliefs and conviction. be fascinated not frustrated. Practice daily gratitude.
Start implementing this 5 step process now and continue to do the great things you want in life, without the constant block of negative influences. As always, enjoy this week’s episode.
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Hello and welcome to another week on the Seekardo podcast.
Today we are going to be answering the question, how to deal with negative people in your life. This is going to be an incredible episode and it’s a common topic that comes up again and again.
If you look at the media right now and the pictures they are constantly painting, it’s all about doom and gloom. We are surrounded by this in the media, which then feels like it’s influencing everybody around you, so it feels like everybody around you is negative.
Actually the thing I wanted to really connect with Ro and ask these questions is at the start of the year, take yourself back to 2020 when you started the year you had goals, you had ambitions.
Many people around us start the year with these goals and ambitions with the conviction and desire to go and make something happen. Make a change happen in their life of whatever that is. Whether it’s business, financial change, whether it’s to do with relationships, a new relationship, whatever that is.
But by the time they get to the end of the first business quarter or the first quarter of the year and as spring approaches people feel like they want to give up, but it’s not solely their fault. It’s often because there’s a lot of negative pressure around them which has led them to a place where they feel like, this is not the right thing I should be giving up.
Ro before I pass this over to you and allow you to say hi to the listeners, I spoke to you a couple of days ago and you were running an event and there was many people in the event who were also put off making a fantastic decision about their future because of the negative influences around them.
Would you say that’s a great way to introduce this question on how to deal with negative people and are we on the right lines with the doom and gloom?
Hi everybody, thank you again for tackling this subject Harminder.
This is a cracking subject. I think it’s one that goes on through the generations and the decades and the years and the centuries. It shows up in a different way, a different world and I think you’re right.
Right now with everything that is happening there are all sorts of conversations about viruses globally, American media, the economic crisis that is genuinely knocking on our door at the moment.It’s everywhere. And yes, you can go look at Facebook and see lots of positive stuff, but equally you go on Facebook and see lots of negative stuff as well.
I think if we bring it back closer to home, which is really what I think you want to try and achieve with today’s podcast, it’s about dealing with negative people generally on a day-to-day basis and then how to manage that process and if you develop a skill for it, you can really do it in any situation.
Hopefully those of you that are parents it’s an opportunity to teach your children how to do this. So if you feel up to letting them have a listen maybe it will be good for them to understand that it’s not something that is unusual. Because for children particularly if they get it at school, even if it’s from a teacher or from a friend it can really knock their confidence moving forward.
So learning to master this skill at a young age Harms I actually believe is a really powerful thing. And most people don’t know how to deal with that. So I’m opening this a bit broader today and saying if you’ve got kids and you feel comfortable, I’ll not use any heavy language on today’s podcast because I think there are some really great tools that we can share today.
Fantastic and I also like the fact that you’re focusing it down on negative people around you because at the end of the day, if we look back at history when the telephone, actually let’s go back even further, when the light bulb was invented. He got incredible amounts of negative feedback of this is not going to work.
Then it was the telephone, then the radio, then it was television, then it was the Internet and social media. At every single stage, even in history at a macro level there was negativity around even the advancement of the human race.
Now if it can happen on that level and I don’t want to discuss it at that level, but I love the fact that you brought it down to a focused area which is people starting businesses, children trying new things are all susceptible to negative influences.
On that note as well I think the great fact is there are two voices here, one at 54, one at just over 30, 31 actually you’ve just turned happy birthday again for the listeners.
But I think that a 20-year-old facing a similar situation to a 30-year-old facing a similar situation to a 50 year old, to 70 year old different voices, different experiences, different wisdoms, different beliefs and how we experienced that situation at specific point in time might dramatically, it’s like a fork in the road.
You can fork one way, which is that you end up having a really negative association with it and that carries forward with you for years to come, or another fork in the road which is actually wow, this was amazing how I dealt with this and how I experienced it, and how I came through it. And for years to come you’ll actually treat that situation completely differently just by that one turning point.
This is interesting to see how you see things differently to me, or similarly to me, bearing in mind the same path that we are on as well.
Absolutely so let’s refocus this now and start with a primary question which is how do negative people show up in your life Ro, people’s lives, and a secondary question to that is, why do they behave in that way?
I think, let’s start with how do people show up so people can think, do I actually have negative people around me?
I’m not quite sure, so if we explain how they show up somebody might say oh goodness, I did not realise that was a negative person around me, I just thought that was the norm. How would you say they show up?
Let me throw out some headlines and if I talk to some you could talk to another. So for example if I said family, friends, workspace, social media, general media if we pick those as headlines, then maybe I’ll jump in and say a couple and you can say a couple as well if you like.
Let’s start with family because I joke about this to people when I’m in front of an audience, I say to them isn’t it funny how the most negative people around us have exactly the same surname as us and most people pause for a minute and then they laugh and they clock two and two. Brother, sister, uncle, mother, whatever but actually it’s true and how they show up could be just simply a snidely little comment from a dad or mum, brother or sister, even from our children if you’re a parent and you’ve got grandchildren and they’re reacting to something that you’re doing because you’re trying something new.
It’s typically somebody coming to the table with, “You shouldn’t do this. What are you crazy?”
When I signed up for property courses many, many years ago I think we invested 20, I’ll give it to you in pounds even if you’re listening to this overseas, 23, £24,000. I was 35 years of age and I had people in my family literally think I was crazy. It was an American company in the UK, so people thought we had been ripped off.
I didn’t genuinely know if my investment was going to pay off. I believed it would. And that’s all I needed to have enough conviction in my belief, but other people around me thought I was nuts, “why are you putting money into property? Why do you need somebody to mentor and coach you?” That was a classic reaction.
I imagine there was, “that sounds so risky” that’s another phrase, and “I don’t think you’re doing the right thing there.” I think that’s very common in family and it is snidey comments and sometimes it’s underhanded. Sometimes it’s what they say as well. It’s how they respond or how they react to what you’re saying because sometimes people don’t voice their opinion but they present what they feel all over their face.
I don’t know if you would agree with that as well.
Yeah, totally. And I see it particularly in front of an audience.
Here’s an example, I have 80 people this weekend I’m in the north of England and I’ve got a real mixture of people. I’ve got those who are totally aspirational and there wasn’t that many this weekend as I’ve seen sometimes in other audiences.
Then there was a group of people who were semi-aspirational but more cynical and then those people that are just cynical, or they are negative they just didn’t want to be there. They were brought by a partner or they came but had a really negative voice at home.
Typically that voice at home is a husband or wife typically, but if they’re younger it could be mum or dad, and this is the classic example this is what happened this weekend.
People go home and they speak to a friend or mum, brother or family member or partner and say, I’m looking at this, this is amazing, I’ve learnt about this and I’m looking to do some education. I believe the courses might be 10, 15, £20,000 and the first reaction is, “what? How much?” And this goes for anything anybody wants to try. “I want to start a business. I’m talking to the bank manager and I’ve looked at the costs, it’s going to cost me 45, 50,000 if it’s a franchise it could be four to 500,000. If it’s a network marketing business it would be a lower cost.”
But then you’ve got a different reaction to that. “I’ve heard of that pyramid scheme.” So everybody’s reaction is different and we will come to the why in a minute, but the point is, it’s the reaction. And that is the reaction that if it’s strong enough can stop somebody in their tracks.
I’ll see people on Friday totally come away enthusiastic go home that night and you’ve seen this, they come in the next day and they’re heavy. There’s something about their energy, I can spot it straight away by their eyes, their facial gestures just what you talked about their reaction.
They don’t even realise this, but the psychology is so freaking powerful that they started on Friday in the first three or four rows and already by day two, they’ve moved to the middle, or even to the back of the room and that’s where they stay all weekend.
And yet in the same way on a Friday the ones that came in a little bit negative but have come with a partner and both of them go this is amazing, they end up being in the front rows in the first few days and you’ve witnessed this.
People don’t realise just how rapidly they react, their emotional volatility is a good word to write down if you’re making notes. Emotional volatility is the volatility of our emotional reaction to a situation we can either emotionally go volatile in a positive way, or volatile in a negative way, and family and people closest to us are the ones that usually pee all over our dreams.
If we’ve got young people listening to this right now and you’re aspirational and mum and dad or uncle, auntie even a schoolteacher or somebody around you is telling you, “you can’t do this it’s ridiculous, don’t be stupid”, young people have no limitations to their dreams.
It’s the fact that older people pee all over the dreams tell them they can’t do it, knock them back, stop them moving forward or bottle up those dreams that when they get to 20,25 years of age the same dreams have been shrunk down.
So for our youngsters listening to this have the conviction to see what you’re doing and see it through, don’t be afraid if mum and dad are saying no, give it a go because ultimately you’re the only person that can prove them wrong or right. Sorry I’m getting onto my pedestal here a bit, but we’re only on part one of this.
Does that makes sense?
That makes sense and I think the worst outcome there is that the family influence and it’s quite easy for the family to influence you because that is your closest people, so there is a natural trust and bond there rightly so.
But the worst-case scenario there is and we do see it Ro is when someone is 20 years old, which is the saddest case, or 30 or 40 or 50 and they no longer know how to dream. They no longer know how to feel aspirational or feel inspired and that’s the thing that really hurts me inside when I see those people and it’s like there is no desire to dream beyond what they have and that’s quite scary as well.
Think of a dream if you’re listening as this amazingly blazing fire and somebody squirts water on it and that’s negativity. That first squirt usually if the fire is really blazing the compassion, the vision and the purpose is very strong it doesn’t really have much effect. But it only takes five, 10 people around you to start squirting water and it’s amazing how over a period of time have just enough squirts of water that fire starts to dwindle a bit because now the wood is wet and slowly that pervades into the core of the fire.
If you’ve tried this you’ll see it literally gets down to this like little burn that’s going on there, and sometimes it just takes one last glass of water or spray and it’s out. It is very rarely a big splash of water occasionally it can be if somebody is really negative. It’s nearly always a compounding of negative, negative, negative, and having your dreams just eroded from those around you.
Absolutely, let’s talk about friends and work. Maybe we can combine those because sometimes you have work colleagues who become friends. But sometimes you have friends outside of work, which is exclusively outside of work.
We have covered family and if there’s somebody listening at home thinking actually yeah, that sounds like not all the family, but maybe some members in the family who they necessarily haven’t felt that support from but they have felt negativity.
So how do friends and colleagues at work play out?
This is a good way to look at it. If you imagine a circle and in the middle and around you there is a circle that’s your immediate family. Around that circle outside the immediate family, you’ve got friends and work colleagues and outside that you’ve got the media and general public.
Friends and work colleagues are typically when you’re out with them and the challenge now is anything you do that’s a little bit difference or will challenge other people’s beliefs about the world that they live in. So friends and work colleagues and you’d have experience this when you started to move towards financial independence is, what you’re doing there is they’re showing up by challenging what you’re doing in a slightly different way.
With family it’s really personal with friends it might be that they talk behind your back, they question you, they challenge what you’re doing. They even say to you you’re crazy or stupid, and they’ll say it in a slightly different way.
It won’t be so personal it might be just they don’t agree with you. In the workplace it’s like, “what are you doing man?Your starting a new business? I thought you were climbing the corporate? What if the company finds out about that? I’ve heard about this; this is a scam isn’t it? You’re trading the stock market, why would you want to trade the stock market? It’s risky at the moment isn’t it? You want to set up an Internet business? You’ve got such a great career here, you’ve got a degree you got yourself a Masters, the company seems to like you. You’ve got a great salary why do you want to start something else?”
It’s like what you’re really saying to them as I want to be different and they don’t like that so then you’re questioning that, so they feel challenged and we’ll come back to that in a minute.
Another example of that Ro is when I was at work and I converted over to a plant-based diet, people thought I was nuts. They thought I wouldn’t be able to cope with the work pressures, they thought I would lose energy all sorts of assumptions that were created and it was absolutely fascinating. I even during that time thought I must be crazy for doing this, because there’s this constant feed of information, which is saying no, this plant-based diet is not going to be healthy for you. And this was well before it’s now been publicised in the media that plant-based diets are way better for your health.
Yeah, it’s so true.
I remember 20 years ago it was like where are you going to get your protein from? I said to people a gorilla eats greens, it doesn’t eat meat and it’s a massive thing and by the way, there’s not that much protein in the meat you’re digesting because your body can’t even digest it.
And people would look at me with a blank face, it’s an immediate reaction to anything that is different isn’t it?
Anything that is different and I think that’s the thing to be conscious of. If you approach somebody with anything that’s different and it could be as small as you changing your diet as that seems to really affect people, or something as large as you are changing career, starting a business, you’re investing into education.
It can affect people sometimes in the same way regardless of how large the change is and I think I often experience that and see that as well.
I think Ro you defined it by a circle. So the outside of that circle then would be the media and external people from your family and friends.
Yeah, I’ll talk about the general media you can talk about social media as that’s definitely your specialist area but general media as we know it’s like at the moment there is a big virus going around the world and everybody has a different view on it.
For example as I’m talking now statistically, what I’m reading is there’s a lot more people that have died from or continue to die from other general illnesses such as flu, etcetera then this particular virus. I’m not going to name it because it is not appropriate, but either way, it’s the media’s perception of how they present it.
In reality, we don’t know the facts, but we are getting distorted facts and my concern about media and when I say facts I mean in general, not just about this one incident.
But when you see things in the media you will often read something to start with everyone gives a negative reaction.Classic example is somebody who is a celebrity a actor or a football player or tennis player or whoever it is, a musician and something happens and it’s all over the media. Negative press, this person has done this, they’ve cheated on this person, they’ve said this, they said that.
Then you read about a month later actually, it was a misquote, but the media’s reaction is never supportive as a rule of thumb, again I’m probably going to get slammed by the media on this one.
Maybe I need to caveat this and say media meaning general media coverage of certain subjects and for a good percentage of the time when you read it, it is a shock title. And unfortunately the shock title steers you towards something that is more negative.
Very rarely do you see it in a positive way and in fact years ago I don’t know if I ever told you this Harminder. But years ago as there was a BBC presenter and I think his name was Martin Lewis, but I could be wrong. We are talking about maybe 25 years ago, 20, 25 years ago, he was a BBC newsreader and he made a statement to say, I think the media and the news needs to be more positive. Why have we got so much negative news on the news and on the media and he got quite hit hard actually by his peers and by the industry to say, who are you to comment. We are just reporting on information.
He said I understand that but what about the balance between positive news and negative news and if I think about most people I talk to they don’t go “oh my gosh, have you heard so-and-so did this amazing thing, have you heard about the new discovery, have you heard about this amazing piece of science?”
No what they do is, “have you heard about this virus? Have you heard about the president of the United States? Have you heard about this situation about the financial crisis in this country?”
Which is always shock horror, slightly negative, so we tend to have been indoctrinated to react to and accept and absorb, shock slightly more negative news, even though later on there might be something more positive behind it.
I don’t know if you agree with that or not.
And again, I’m not here to slam the media because I think the media serve an amazing purpose to also get inspirational messages out there and actually I’ve been very privileged over the years to have some great experiences with radio and TV where they’ve been very positive, and the newspapers as well.
But often that’s people seeking out a strong positive story and I think the average person tends to be steered by the negative shock stories and that’s what gets them talking about stuff in the workplace, and of course that workplace mindset of fear then comes down to the conversation about you.
A media article that says property prices have dropped, beware the property market is really shit and then you go to somebody I’m going into property and they say, “oh my gosh but have you read what the media are saying? Property is really bad. Harms why would you want to get into property?” That’s what I’m trying to get to, it is how it pervades down onto a day-to-day basis.
It is often typically just headline reading so as we know what attracts us is that bad news story.Imagine yourself driving on the motorway and you’re like why are things slowing down so we are we notorious for rubbernecking, we are notorious for what’s happening over there. Oh what’s happening over there.
So, as a culture we love and for some reason we thrive on this kind of information but quite often it’s headline reading. It’s taking that headline taking it as gospel and then negatively influencing your business, your goals, your strategy and saying it’s not going to work because this paper said this about property. Without really understanding what the context or the content within that study, article, scientific report, paper is.
I think as well as the national media as such you’ve got television shows such as Emmerdale, Coronation Street and EastEnders and often the plots and storylines if you follow long enough they end in horrific things and it’s often quite negative and quite depressing to watch through that.
That becomes a reflection on people and that’s actually how people live and how families operate, how friends operate, so I think you’re right Ro that is the media in a whole and to add in addition to that is social media which you mentioned.
Social media is fascinating because in the past it was very difficult for random strangers to have a discussion over headlines or certain articles or negative articles in the press.
Now what’s changed in social media is complete strangers can have a direct dialogue in the comment section of a headline. Whether it’s on Facebook, it’s on Instagram, whether it’s on YouTube, wherever that piece of content lives. LinkedIn, whatever it could be in somebody’s blog article. Some of the comments are ferocious and they come from a very dark place I think in humans Ro when you look at the comment section on buy to let is dead or buy to let no longer works headline. Let’s take that as an example.
The amount of different perceptions and arguments and I wouldn’t even call it a debate sometimes it feels like people are being quite hatred towards each other in the comments, it’s horrific and I think now strangers are starting to be able to have that kind of conversation around one topic.
There are positives to it, but also I feel that negative is spreading way quicker and as a survey if you’ve ever read the comment section of a Facebook post, I don’t recommend it, I think it is a complete waste of time.
But if you are curious to see which energy seems to be more powerful in different places, especially the media have a read through the comments and you’ll see what percentage of comments are negative, and what percentage of comments are people saying hang on a minute, let’s look at this objectively or a positive message to keep it simple.
I don’t know if you’ve ever flicked through the comments section Ro but have you experienced that on social media negative comments against your posts or your content you put out?
I have and at the end of the day all I can accept is it’s another person’s perception of it and I don’t know if you want to tackle this now, maybe we can get into it as we go further in but it will happen.
For those of you listening that are looking to get yourself out into social media to get a message out there to be a messenger actually for good, i.e. whether you want to speak in front of audiences to share your story or to inspire other people, or whether it’s you want to do it through radio, TV, a mechanism like this podcasting, which is amazing and I’m thoroughly enjoying this experience.
Or whether it’s through YouTube videos, Facebook, Instagram whatever it is you will, by the very fact that you’re going out in front of hundreds if not thousands, if not millions of people. You cannot expect to get everybody agreeing with you and you will get people that don’t agree with you and that’s the difference in beliefs.
It was Wayne Dyer that really reinforced this for me many years ago. Dr Wayne Dyer when he said, in any situation you cannot control someone else’s opinion of you, so in front of 1,000 people, you might have 50 people that hate you,100 people that love you.
Another 50 people that don’t necessarily agree with you, there might be 800 people in the middle. You can’t control that all you can do is control who you are, what you believe in and how you message that and don’t worry about what other people react and how they react and with social media, particularly as you said about posts you’re going to get it.
You have to decide how you react to that; do you want to rise to the bait?
Do you want to respond in a positive way?
Do you want to ignore it?
And that comes down to our own individual choice.
A circle of influence and this influence can be positive and negative.
But let’s quickly remind listeners inside that circle is your family, then the outer circle are your friends, then maybe work friends or colleagues or people at work. And then it’s the external media but is it fair Ro to say that right in the middle of that could be the person themselves?
It could be the listener at home. It could be the individual; it could be you and I also with that negative voice and negative voice internally showing up and putting us off something. So if somebody is listening at home they could say, “I don’t seem to have these negative people around me.” Could it be fair that they are the negative person?
Actually that’s a very good point.
We’ve talked about the circles, but the internal circle is the one and this is a whole different conversation really, this is about dealing with your own beliefs and your perception of the world.
Maybe a good podcast to do for the future if anybody’s listening to this and they are currently with us on the GrowthTribes community or have recently joined us on the Seekardo, if you go into the vault where there’s a huge amount of resources both video, audio and written. There is a series there on beliefs and it’s really a chance to take a look at your beliefs and identify where you may have limiting beliefs that could hold you back.
It’s a fantastic series and I highly recommend it to anyone that’s in the vault and if you haven’t been to the vault go and have a look or join us in the GrowthTribes. You’re spot on.
Sometimes people say I’ve got nobody negative around me but I seem to be having challenges and I’m struggling to deal with this because what I noticed when I do this. It just never works and why is it everybody reacts to me this way and why is it I can’t raise money and I just can’t seem to get the motivation to do it. And I when I go out and talk to people they don’t seem to like me and I’m thinking, listen to your conversation.
Listen to what you are saying. Actually, you’re the one that’s negative, not those people around you and without you realising it maybe your negativity is so strong they appear positive even if they’re not necessarily positive because remember there is black, grey and white.
For example white and a little bit of grey can make the white seem very bright. But if something is grey, very dark black might make the grey appear actually quite light. So there are different shades of negativity and understanding it in ourselves is really important, you’ve raised a good point there.
Now let’s move on to the second part of this primary question, which is why do they react like that?
This is something that used to bug me in the early days Ro because I went through a property education program myself, I changed careers. I went from a very good Asian student and child becoming an engineer and I transitioned out of that to being an entrepreneur/business owner and trying something different.
What I just could not understand in the early days was why are they saying these things?
What we’ve discussed the family and friends, the work, the media, why are they saying this to me?
I don’t know how you dealt with this in the early days Ro but how can we explain this to listeners so it gives them a bit of comfort that it might not be entirely their fault. Keep going.
Okay this is such a powerful subject and because I’ve dealt with it in many ways over the years, both personally but globally, not even just in this country UK. I’m going to give you three things so if you’re listening to this it is really worth making a note of.
If you’re driving definitely don’t make a note just note it in your mind. Go to the show notes.
The first one is perception and protection and this is a great one to remember perception and protection, so I’ll just walk you through this.
First of all you’ve got to understand every single human being sees the world through a totally different filter to the filter that you have. So Harminder you have a different filter to your lovely wife Geena.
I have a different filter to my lovely fiancée Stina. Stina has come from a Danish background, so she will see the world completely different to me just on a cultural level, let alone the fact that she is a female I’m a male. The fact that she’s younger than me, let alone the fact that she has had a different set of experiences to me.
In the same way I then go out and meet with a friend of mine who is 65 years of age and we are talking about the same subject, but he has a different filter to me, or she has a different filter to me. We filter, everything we do is filtered and its filtered from our beliefs.
In other words a set of beliefs that we’ve developed over years. If you’re young and you’re listening to this and you’re 12,15, 18, 20 years of age, you’re going to have a set of fairly fresh beliefs. They are not necessarily embedded yet some of them maybe if you’ve had what’s called a significant emotional event. Something that maybe jarred you really badly. A bad experience you witnessed or you saw and it became so powerful that it’s already quite a core belief of yours.
Otherwise it takes time and by the time you get to 30 your age group actually, most of those beliefs are pretty much solidified and in fact there may be beliefs that you hold today Harminder that you still hold onto in 20 years’ time. For example your beliefs about your diet and eating vegetarian based foods similar to myself, so you hold onto those and they become compounded. And if they’re strong enough they stay with you and stick with you. And of course that can be negative and positive.
So when we talking about negative people, they will have a set beliefs that they believe so strongly and if they’re different to your beliefs then of course, that’s where the conflict comes in.
Other things include experiences, what they’ve experienced rather than what they believe. A belief can be based on an experience or an observation, but they may have had a really powerful experience that makes them believe now this thing that they’re saying to you, even though it’s opposite to your beliefs. Pain is another one they’ve had a painful experience.
Let me jump in with an example Ro, so you know we mentioned about property. We are both property investors and entrepreneurs so let us take that as another example.
If somebody had a bad tenant as an assumption and what I define by bad tenant let’s just say they stop paying them rent for whatever reason. That could have led them to have such a bad experience with that property investment, that one buy to let they spent a lot of time focusing on and they didn’t get their rent for.
It took a very long time for them to remove the tenant, renovate the house again and put a new tenant in and provide fantastic home for the tenant. That could have been the pain whereas I could have turned up and said to them, I’m so excited to build a property portfolio.
You can just imagine what they’re going to say to me, based on their personal experiences and the pain they’ve gone through.
Yes and they are going to be quite loud about it, especially if it’s more recent because that pain and here is a good point actually, the closer you are to the bad experience that you’ve had, or the bad belief that you’ve built.
The closer you are to it it’s like having a wound that hasn’t healed. The further away you get from that pain in general, that belief becomes dulled unless that person keeps opening up that wound and revisiting it i.e. they always talk about it.
They always relive it and that becomes even more damaging because that’s like a psychic wound, an emotional scar that can’t heal and sometimes that’s the worst situation than somebody who has just freshly been hurt.
Because somebody who has freshly been hurt can go yeah that’s not a bad experience and they’ll talk about it and let it go. But someone that has held onto it for many years they could keep talking about it and they really are quite bitter about it. It is a great point you’re raising Harms because it doesn’t have to be just business, it could be relationships.
You could say “I’m looking to date the girl I met on the Internet. I met on a dating agency but you know what I had a bad experience with that and it doesn’t work, it didn’t work for me. It’s probably not going to work for you.”
So again, it’s going back to how they articulate that to you based on their experience.
If you’re a child watching this and your parents had a bad experience and you say, “mum I want to go travel here, I want to visit this country.” And they go I had a really bad experience we went there, we got diarrhoea, we ate some bad food. Got treated really badly. And all of a sudden especially if you’re a child, imagine that really strong imprint from your parents and I still see it today with my children.
They spoke to a friend at school who said something and I said to StinaI don’t really think that’s that child’s belief and she goes it sounds like the parents have said something to the child and the child now believes it. And now they’re saying it to our child and luckily our kids come back and question us about things this. They say, “is this true daddy? Do you believe that?”
We tend to help them have a different perception on it.
Imagine though another child’s parents having such a bad experience they impart it on their child, their child in kindergarten or at school 11-year-olds is my eldest, then impart that on your child.
Your child if they don’t come and check in with you what if that becomes your child’s belief? Holy shit. That’s scary and it happens.
We started this podcast talking about currently there is fear, there is information being fed about a virus that’s spreading well this is no different, because it’s like a negative thought virus that is spreading throughout and it’s come from the parents in this case.
But there are typically sources, but the parents got it from their experience in that country. And that’s the root cause of that that current situation. Now I think it is an incredible example.
On that note you come from an Asian background you can’t tell me in all the years you haven’t met somebody that has said, “Oh no curries, I’m not sure about curries. I don’t know if I want to try a curry. I remember my mum telling me about that. Eight years ago I tried a curry and it put me off for life.”
That’s pretty much the typical conversation I would have with somebody outside of my culture when we are talking about where shall we eat. Shall we go to an Indian restaurant, Chinese restaurant and then immediately it becomes a perception upon that.Stereotypical whatever, but there is a perception that gets put on that because of know the parents said this or they had one bad experience in a restaurant. I think that’s even happened to me Ro. I’ve been to a restaurant where I think even with yourself.
We went to one particular restaurant and we started to sit down, being us we went straight into a conversation, starting to talk business. Exciting strategy.
Now that the owner of the restaurant came across and said this is not a place to have a business meeting. Just in five minutes we sat down, having a conversation we had notepads as that’s our nature and he just went ballistic. You cannot have a meeting here you order food here and of course the intention was to order food probably within six or seven minutes.
Let me add this, if I said to our listeners that was a Chinese restaurant in London at this address. If I just said that alone which it was by the way, that could put you off eating Chinese food for life if you had a fragile belief system that says my gosh, if somebody like Dr Ro doubt and Harminder had with Chinese, maybe we should avoid Chinese. I love Chinese food, I’ve been to tens of Chinese since going there, but this particular gentleman was just downright rude.
Yes, so that is our belief now being spread by this podcast.
There are different ways to perceive that.One is that’s great information but taken in the wrong way it’s all Chinese restaurants in London are bad because they all behave in a certain way, which is not true.
These are great examples and it’s funny how you just started to describe the first sentence and that had to be at least four years ago. And yet immediately I went straight back to that, I remember we sat by the window in that corner table.
How is that possible?
Because the mind does not forget pain. It remembers pleasure and pain, and if you attach a certain amount of pain to it everything changes. So the best way to remember this is a classic quote from Tony Robbins, nothing has meaning a part from the meaning that you give it. You can attach a positive meaning to situation or a negative one.
The first one’s perception protection and the way to remember that is everything they see is from their eyes.
So that means they’re right. You could be arguing the case, this is my idea I want to do this and they come back to you with whatever it is because that’s their experience.
You’ve been in an audience with me where I said right person next to you imagine they’re wearing red glasses and you’re wearing blue glasses and if I show you this slide at the moment, I show a general neutral slide on the screen. The people with red glasses what do you see? Red background, red sunset, red trees, red beach. Blue glasses what do you see? Blue sunset, blue beach, blue setting because you’re looking through your own set of perceptions, your own view of the world and it’s as simple as that.
The thing is, if their beliefs are different to your beliefs that means it challenges your beliefs and then in your eyes, they’re being negative and I actually wanted to get this specific concept across.
Just because they are different to you what we typically do is label the negative and this is a challenging statement because people listening to this will say, are you telling me that I came to this podcast to deal with all the negative people around me and actually what you’re saying is actually it could be my issue?
I’m not saying it’s your issue I’m simply saying that actually it’s your issue. Because it is different. They’ve got a different view of the world and unless you take their glasses off and give them your glasses i.e. your perception it’s always going to be different. And just because it’s different we sometimes label it negative and that’s singularly a powerful concept, even just there.
That’s a fascinating thing, because what we said so far is how people show up in your life, this is what they’re going to say, they’re going to be really adverse to the change that you’re going on.
But now, you’re literally underlining a sentence that says, but that’s okay because that is their perception, so you thinking that they are reacting in a negative way is actually your issue. That’s a fascinating point because it is almost counter intuitive to what we’ve lead up to so far.
That statement there that you said will go on the show notes because I think if we can understand that we will start to ultimately love other human beings for who they are from the first instance, rather than labelling them negative.
Yeah, I agree and we’ll come back to that.
It’s good way to round off the podcast and remember that they may have tried it before the thing that you’re talking to them about. They may have seen someone else do it and fail, they may have read about it in the media as we’ve just talked about, and you did beautifully in the social media section as well. Or they may have had a bad experience.
Any one of those three or four above I just listed there that will just reinforce their beliefs and of course if you are trying to do property and they’ve tried it doesn’t work and they say, it won’t work. And you say they’re negative but in their eyes they’re not negative.
Of course you’re looking at the bottle from a different side of the bottle with a different label. You’re looking at the front of the label and you see the title saying drink this it’s going to be great. But they’re looking at the back and saying look at all the E’s in this bottle. It’s got E25, E64.
It’s just a different perception and once we appreciate that that’s part of the process of how to deal with it.
That’s the first reason why people are negative and the second one is more actually this is where it gets interesting.
The second one is more about them.
This is where they have such a big ego, such a big pride that anything that you do makes them feel challenged. They feel challenged by what you’re doing, here’s a classic example you starting on your property business. Me starting my property business, me going off writing a book.
When I first started talking about writing my book, my first book Turning Point.
I was like yeah I’m writing a book and then people would go, “yeah, yeah I was going to write a book but then this happened and this happened and somebody told me you know when you write your book, you don’t get a lot of recognition for it. And if you put it on Amazon you only get one pound, you don’t get a lot of money for it. I thought do I really want to do that?”
I was like wow, I just happened to be mentioning I’m writing a book I didn’t really want all of that shit. I don’t know if I told you this Harms but, when I got my PhD and you know this about me, I didn’t really make a big thing.
I know we all talk about Dr Ro. But actually that was the PR, the media and people saying look Ro, you got a great message and it’s authentic and it has to be really about you because people relate to you. I said, can’t we just make it about the brand?
And they said no just use the title Dr Ro you are a Doctor of Philosophy, in other words as a PhD you are studying a subject. It’s not necessarily the body but you’re studying another subject to the same depth and that’s how you get your PhD.
For business owners listening at home that’s a classic personal brand challenge and it’s totally okay to take on that personal brand because that’s how you attract clients, how you grow your business. That’s how you can put a message at to the world and people understand it. I just wanted to drop that in there for business owners who may have the same thought process there.
Can you make a note Harms if we can pick this up as a podcast to talk about from a branding online perspective because I think we can spin the tables a bit on that particular podcast, me putting but questions back at you because I agree with you on this.
It was a challenge for me for a while because I thought people would and initially people were like, why do you want to call yourself Dr Ro?
Why a brand around you?
That’s when I was like oh shit I went back to the PR lady and the people that were working with me and my team. They said look Ro, you’ve got to make a decision do you want to stand up for what you believe in, and we want to get the name out there with a brand, or do you want to listen to a few people that might have an issue with it and don’t realise that below that there’s actually a massively deep message to help people change their lives.
I was like okay, you’re right. But sometimes even at my level of strength and conviction it’s like am I going to upset people about this?
So it’s their ego, people get challenged by it, especially if you’re starting something different. If you’re 20 years of age and you want to start a business your mates might say to you, “what about the job? Why would you want to do that? You studied really hard.” They’ll question you because you are challenging their fundamental beliefs and ego and in other words they don’t want to feel smaller then you.
Because that’s interesting because typically work colleagues, or you can have a friend circle and they’re all roughly about the same age. Work colleagues will vary slightly, but how does this play out in say, it’s my generation, saying this to your generation.
How do you think that plays out?
Because there is the younger, older thing there and egos definitely play a part when the young are talking to the old and vice versa.
It’s a good question because as a young person in your 20s, 30s and mid-to-late 30s, although less so late 30. I think it’s more early 30s and mid 20s is that sense of I want to conquer the world.
It’s going back to this aspirational element. Here I am at 54 not necessarily me because I allow myself to not allow that negativity to hold me back. But what if I’m a 54-year-old that had exactly the same aspirations?
Okay, so even worse, culturally, “but Harminder you’ve got to understand. I had exactly the same aspirations when I was your age. I went to see a film and the film was about a man who did all these great things and I wanted to do that, but I realised very quickly I had a family to provide for. I can’t go out and take a risk of starting a property business.” All of a sudden you have this conversation with a 54-year-old uncle Ro, who is peeing all over your dreams because he had an experience and it didn’t work for him and it is true.
Age has played out in this case, in a negative way so it’s not an aspirational 54-year-old Ro who is saying to you go do this Harms it’s a great idea, it’s actually a member of your family or friends, or whoever it is who is older, maybe an uncle. Everybody is an uncle in the Asian culture and they’re like, “you shouldn’t do this. You should study very hard.”
We’ve got a friend called Ravi who might be listening to this at some point and he went off and became financially free. Having been in the banking world, only to be asked by his family, “when are you going to get a job?”
He became financially dependent through property and this is a classic case of older people not understanding what you’re doing to be a business, it’s creating financial security. It will be interesting to hear your view on it but I think two things happen for my generation.
One is there will be those of us that have a positive view on what you’re doing and want to encourage you. But there are those that you are challenging the very ground that we are standing on. “You’re telling me as a 54 year-old that you don’t want to be like me, you don’t want to do what I’ve done, you don’t want to follow a career and what do you mean eating meat is bad for me? What do you mean drinking alcohol is bad for me? I don’t go to the gym I go for a walk every day, so you’re telling me that my health is bad because I eat meat and I drink alcohol?”
You’re challenging that person and of course they’re going to kick back and they’re going to push back and of course my experience is if I did that to you as a 30-year-old you’re going to react one of two ways.
You just say screw you and just walk away, or you argue back against me and then it becomes this high-volume conversation. I do think the reaction of the older generation will depend on the attitude of the younger person, that’s my personal view.
Whether we give you a negative view, a supportive view, or a really positive view.
Also then linking back to their personal experiences everything we’ve covered so far as well and I would say if it was from my generation and taking advice from your generation, we can fall into two traps.
Which we do follow along like you explained there. But we also do kickback.
We’ve got to be conscious, especially my generation listening whether you’re 20, 25, 30, 35 or just coming into the era. We’ve got to decide and be just cognitive of why are we now going to be pursuing or carrying on what we’ve taken to the table.
What I mean by that is, are we just going to pursue this because it’s from a rebellious nature, are we just kicking back and saying I’m going to show them I can do it anyway. Or are we going to stay, Ro you used the word conviction, are we going to stay strong and to our conviction that I believe what I’m doing is right. I take on this feedback, but I’m going to do it anyway.
I think one comes from a place of ego, one comes from a place of conviction and I’m just going to see this through. I think both could work but one would be healthier in the long run than the other.
I think it’s a great point.
I think adding to that Harms and I believe you will agree with that because you have very much this in your nature, is humility. So if you are going out seeking help, support, financial support which I saw this weekend. Here’s an example, this weekend we had a 19-year-old lady, young lady in the room.
She sat front row Harms you’d have loved her. Front row all weekend, all weekend front row and on the Saturday night she came to us and she said she really wants to do these courses, I’m 19 years of age, do you think I can build a property portfolio and we said yes. Whether you can get mortgages right now or not we are not sure, but there are ways to do it. If you team up with somebody in the family somebody older that can support you. But there’s also ways to get into the property market where you don’t have to physically own those properties, if you want to bring a member of your family with you tomorrow and she brought her father.
Who looked about 60s ex-bank manager. We go to the first coffee break. They sat down had a consultation with a member of our team who said what do you think. And he said I will give her money, but not for education. I’ll give her money for a property and I don’t believe that she can build a property portfolio, I don’t believe she can get funding.
They walked out of that in the coffee break, they never came back.
She was front row all weekend, his perception and his attitude this is a classic example, I’m not saying he is a bad person, but he hadn’t spent the whole weekend with us and he didn’t see how hungry she was. All weekend her eyes were like saucers so hungry for this and I remember we left that evening I was just gutted for her. I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye to her and he at some point, I’m sure will help her buy a property, but he has no belief that what we taught her she could do.
That is a classic example, and she actually came to the table with humility. She had that kind of nature, so what I’m saying is I agree with you, sometimes you just have to push on.
My hope is that she will go find somebody else around her whose older that will support her to do this and find her way back to the education program, as we can certainly help her in a massive way.
I agree with you, I think it’s young people if you’re listening to this, try not to alienate the people that are older than you, because at some point there is always a wisdom there, but there’s also a chance where they might be able to help you.
If you come at it with a humble attitude and I’ll give you some ways to do that in the end, even if they’re not supporting you do it anyway. Because if you believe it strongly enough, there will be someone out there that you will attract the right people to you.
You went through this Harms you were trying to raise money initially with parents and in the end you got me to sit down with your dad and that helped the flow didn’t it?
I think it opened up your dad’s eyes to the realisation of what you were doing was actually a sensible thing it wasn’t a reckless thing.
Absolutely, for me the blessing there and again no judgement to the scenario and case study you’ve just spoken about, but there it was a case of I just need more information. But at no point did my dad block our dreams or say we won’t be able to do this, so he is a great example of a supporter and a positive influence in our life.
There’s never been a case where he said you can’t do this, so I’m blessed in that sense but I wanted to share that because there’s a contrasting example there to what you’ve just heard.
If you’re listening at home you could have either and you could have somebody in between. And I think each one is okay, but like Ro said we will talk about how we can overcome this at the end of the podcast.
I think the ego driven people are the most difficult to deal with honestly because you are not going to change their core beliefs about who they are. So when you’re faced with someone like that, the best thing to do is accept who they are, except that’s how they are, but you do not have to allow their beliefs to become your beliefs and certainly not for them to pee all of your dreams. Which leads to me the third person, which is basically just the person with a crappy attitude. That’s it.
I had a feeling you were going to say that.
They’re just negative, that’s who they are.
Sometimes people are just negative. Sometimes they’ve had a bad experience they carry it everywhere with them it’s like a bin liner over the back of their shoulder. They walk along and say Harms you don’t understand and whatever you throw at them they’ll empty their black bin liner and empty it all over the floor and they’ll go there you go, there is an example. And they’ll spread shit all over the floor in front of you and they’ll go, there’s one Harminder, there is another one there.
They’ve just got a low vibrational frequency. It’s their makeup and in reality it is not for you and I to change them unless they are asking for it. Quite frankly, they’re the ones that genuinely are not the healthy ones to have around you.
What would be the question here because typically these people like you said, are not going to change. It’s yeah but this, yeah but what about that? Yeah but you don’t know this has happened to me and we often get that whether it’s coaching clients.
Whether it’s people who come to the Seekardo meet up but then once you work with them they get transformed. But this is a different kind of person like you said low frequency, but the question then I guess is, is it worth anybody and I heard this originally from Jim Rohn which is just don’t worry about it.
But is it even worth the energy trying to figure out why they are like that?
Because you’ve just explained to us these people are like this, they have a low frequency no matter what you’re going to say to them they’re going to counter with a yeah but, it is different for you, you haven’t gone through my life. You don’t know what my life is. And these people are all around us. So is it worth the energy trying to work it out?What shall we do here?
I’m going to rephrase that and I apologise to the Irish people listening because I practice my different accents and they’re not very good sometimes but I was at an event before Christmas and this bloke came up, lovely guy and he was like, “Dr Ro I’ve got to ask you a question. I’ve got a good friend of mine; I’ve known him all of my life. I was coming down to this weekend and I told him I was coming to do property and he said are you crazy? Do you remember what happened in Ireland here? Do you remember the Celtic Tiger?”
Which by the way was the whole experience the Irish hard where a lot of people bought in Romania and Bulgaria and places like that and lost a lot of money. People were building houses in Ireland and it just didn’t go well, there’s a whole bunch of people that got ripped off and he said to me, “you’ve got to tell me the truth Dr Ro is it all bullshit. Is it just a load of bollocks. Do I just dump my friend what do you think? Or shall I try and fix him? He is a good lad you know, what do you reckon?”
I said to him, and actually the answer is it depends. I’m rephrasing the answer to you, it depends on is it somebody who you are really close to and you care so much about that you want to find a way to try and help them overcome their blocks, because you can see that they had a bad experience when they were younger and genuinely want to help them out.
Of course remember, if that’s the case, you’ve got to decide how much of your time do you want to spend trying to help them. Because it can take days, months and years if somebody does not have the tools, doesn’t have the resources, doesn’t have the aptitude, emotional development and isn’t prepared to invest in themselves to grow. So just be mindful of that.
Are they a friend you want to help?
Is it a family member? It could be husband or your wife and that becomes really challenging because you love them dearly, and as the relationships evolved over the years you’ve realised there is a core part of them that is quite negative about a lot of things and you want to help them out because you really care about them.
So I guess I’d say be careful and don’t spend your whole life trying to convince people.
Often what happens is that people do this because they want to get validation and I think a lot of people are confused about where they should spend that level of time with other people.
Yeah because what I think Ro is when you are asking people certainly at the early stages, imagine you’re a start-up, you are starting a property business, starting a business or a new career or you’re applying for a lot of jobs.
Typically at the start-up stage even us as people, we are going to have doubts on whatever we are doing, that seed of doubt will always be there. Even if the desire is there, the conviction is strong, “I know I’m going to do this.” But at the back of your mind there is a bit of doubt. So, you know, we do often ask these people, especially the close ones to us am I doing the right thing? Do you think I’m doing the right thing?
I think this is typically because we want that external validation that you know what, you are doing the right thing keep going. I think there is a natural desire to ask people. But what I would say is just be conscious on who you’re asking, and maybe avoid the third category here which is people with a crappy attitude, because you know the response they’re going to give you.
That’s a great point and I think particularly and you may agree with this or not, but particularly if you’re 25 to 30 and you’re in that period of life where you still have enough respect for people around you, particularly elders to go ask them and get them to confirm what you’re saying.
Of course then it’s the early part of that start up, the early start of that path you’re looking for external validation. Maybe your beliefs aren’t strong enough whereas someone like myself I go and start something quite frankly, you know, I look at my mum, for example, who is in her 70s.
I love my mum dearly, but she may have not had that much experience in the area and also I believe that maybe she doesn’t have possibly the understanding of the area, so what I’ll do is as a 54-year-old I probably wouldn’t go and ask her for much validation. Whereas maybe 25, 30 years ago I would have done.
Move towards 40, 45 typically we’re not looking for external validation so early and I don’t know if you feel the same way as somebody who is younger.
What are your thoughts on that?
I would say with the audiences that we work with and we spend time with the typical trend is exactly that. The younger they are, they are seeking whether it’s the approval or validation from their parents, friends, peer group, who is close to them brother, sister depending on how the family dynamic is. It’s the younger ages when they do get 40, 45, and there are the few anomalies where I’m speaking to somebody and I’m quite surprised at the age of 45 they’re still looking for validation from their parents. That’s quite worrying.
But it is typically the pattern is younger they are, the more validation they seek, the older you are like yourself you’ve gone through multiple things. You started different businesses. So now that becomes the norm. All the challenges that’s going to come with a start-up it is completely normal for you so, you don’t need to seek that validation. Maybe if it’s to do with strategy, maybe if it’s to do with marketplace, business economic model where you get more technical with it, but the fact that you need to start it you don’t need to go to anybody.
But certainly most of my generation are seeking that from somebody so that they know they’re on the right path.
I think this is a good way to wrap this up. So when you experience someone who is negative next time ask yourself is it a perception or protection thing. Do they have a certain perception of the situation based on their beliefs and are they trying to protect you. That’s the first thing or is it from a place of ego and you have challenged them in some way, especially if they’re older than you.
If they’re older than you and you’ve challenged them personally maybe they feel you’re doing it at a much younger age than they’re doing it. So are they kicking back or is it a friend that is kicking back. Or number three, you know what they’re always like this, everything. Every single frigging thing anyone ever says to them they’re just bloody negative. And it’s okay and that’s okay as well, that’s who they are.
Just look at that first before you react to the situation we will come to how to deal with these things before we wrap up.
Yes so before we wrap up Ro I want to ask the question, which is so that we can avoid it, so the listeners at home can avoid it. If we succumb to these negative people, whether in those categories depending on where they are in the circle of influence, what effect can this have on you?
Us as people the listeners at home if they succumb to this, or if they just listen to this what is the typical effects that this can have on them? Of course it’s going to be varied but we will try pull a few examples if possible and then we’ll go into the solutions.
That’s a good way of looking at it. So you’ve had a bad experience and how does it affect you?
A negative experience, so the real focus is a reaction from somebody.
When I say experience I mean somebody has reacted to you in a specific way especially if it’s someone close to you. Let’s imagine it’s your boss or for example, it’s your mum, your dad, your uncle, somebody in that sphere of influence. It really doesn’t matter.
If it’s a group of people in front of an audience again, and this happens. I’ve had situations with an audience where they are really negative or a large percentage of them have been negative. Either way there are certain ways to deal with it, so it depends on probably three, four, five things actually.
Let me give you an example Ro recently you said to me and you said it in the last podcast that you’re going to be exploring trading again. So, imagine me and you and of course I know you but I’m going to wear a different hat right now and I said to you.
Is this negative Harms?
This is going to be negative Harms and he is going to do everything he can to put you off trading but let’s assume that it’s me, I’m not a trader.
So let me run the scenario, Harms how are you doing man? “Fantastic. How are things?What are you up to nowadays?” I just spent the last day with this chap teaching me how to trade again. I haven’t traded for a few years, I’m really excited. Trading the stock market trading currencies. I’m going to get back into the charts.“You mean like shares you know the stuff they keep talking about in the papers.” Well there is always stuff in the newspapers. Forex trading, stock market trading. “I always get messaged about those, crypto currency. Everybody is trying to sell me crypto currency thing at the moment is it one of those things?”
It’s not crypto currency. It’s actual normal currency variations and it’s an opportunity to sit down, put money into the stock market into the currency market into a spread betting account, trading account. “But what about Brexit? Sorry I know you’re explaining something Ro but Brexit has teared a part the pound and we don’t know what’s going to happen with the euro. What about the US what are they going to do? I just heard that there that the S&P is apparently going to drop.It’s never going to rise any higher, I just read this yesterday.”
One of the things that we’re looking at is how you can make money even if the market goes up or down so there are opportunities in both situations.
This is how the conversation could go, if you notice that every timeI say something Harminder’s putting up another brick wall.
That must be so familiar to people because as I was doing that I was likeI’ve been in this conversation before.
The answer to this is really it depends on you and it depends on five things in my mind.
One is how emotionally developed you are.If you are somebody that’s read a lot you’re heavy on personal development have been for a while, you have already developed an armoury, a set of tools on how to deal with this the effect on you is going to be minimal because you’ve just got like this massive shield around you. And when people come and do the communicating with impact courses with me one of the things you might remember is we talk about how to prepare yourself going into a meeting emotionally, develop a barrier, develop some armoury. Could be Ironman or wonder woman or whatever it is for you, so that when you go into that communication it just bounces off you.
That’s the first thing so remember the question is what effect do they have on you when someone is negative, I’m saying it depends on five things.
That’s the first, second one depends on your self-belief. How strong is your self-belief, in other words how much do you believe in what you are saying and then of course it depends on how strong your self-worth. So, how strong is your self-worth, how strong is your image of yourself and how you see yourself when you’re talking to them.
What’s the difference there Ro because there’s self-belief, self-worth, how would you differentiate for the listeners at home. Just so there’s a clear, distinct difference as it can be quite confusing.
That’s true actually so self-belief is really about if you narrow it down it’s your belief about who you are, in terms of what you do. So you believe in this new business opportunity, your self-belief about the fact that you can get this done. You’re starting a new opportunity; you’re starting a new business and you believe that your skill set and your ability to learn will enable this new opportunity to work.
Whether it’s changing diet or starting a new business, whereas self-worth is about who you are as a person and this is where your conviction in you, your worth is such that you know that you are worthy of greatness. You know you’re worthy of success, you know you’re worthy of receiving opportunities. You know you worthy of love; you know as a person you are whole you do not need someone else to validate who you are.
Whereas self-belief in that particular thing you’re doing, does that makes sense?
That make sense. So self-worth is like my business I will be going out to make £1 million revenue this year, so within the next 12 months I’m going to be up and my worth is I believe that I am worth building that fortune.
And worthy of it.
Worthy to receive it yes.
So the belief can be more specific to the thing you’re doing and the fact that you believe that you have the ability to do it, whereas your worth is really about the core of who you are, your values, what you stand up for. “I know myself, I believe in honour, I believe in integrity, I believe in love. I believe in honesty, I believe in passion, compassion and discipline.
These are the values I believe in and that’s who I am. So I believe in all of those things and I believe that is who I am and I stand for that.”
The two are different, so understanding your beliefs versus your core values and the worth of who you are two different things. It’s a good question you’ve raised there because people get confused by it.
They can crossover but I would differentiate the two and remember what I’m talking about is a strength in conviction here.
Are you emotionally developed; do you believe in what you’re doing?
Do you also have the worth in yourself because it might be that you believe in something but somebody else can eat away at your worth. “I believe this is something I can do but do I deserve it? Am I worthy of it? I’m not sure about that because mum told me this and my dad told me this.”
That’s the difference, one is a lot deeper.
Absolutely. For those listening I’m sure that was Ro banging on his chest.
So what are the final two?
The other two are how much you believe in the thing that you’re doing. If someone is attacking you that’s one thing. What if they’re attacking the thing that you’re doing?Attacking property, attacking the stock market, attacking a vegetable-based diet, network marketing. “You want to date an Asian girl?” Or two people dating from different cultures for example, in could be that.
It’s how much you believe in that which you are talking to them about.
The final thing is how strong you are aligned with your beliefs and your values. So is what you are doing aligned with your core beliefs and values? If it’s changing your diet towards health. How much do you believe that?
Is it because somebody said to you it’s really good to get off meat. “Yeah that’s a good idea Harms. Yeah I’ll give it a go.” I’m out and it’s the first night out in a restaurant with my mates. “Ro what are you doing?” Yeah I’m going to order a vegetable curry. “What? You’re going to try a vegetable curry. What about the meat man?”
I was speaking to my friend Harmsand I’m going to give this a go. What do you have as a vegetable-based meals? “Come on man get some meat down you. You don’t want to eat vegetable curry.”
If you have strong enough beliefs in what you’ve chosen to do because you’ve researched it and it has a conviction, and this is the difference between a light belief and conviction. I’m going to say to my mates, no I’m going to do this. I really believe this is good for me. Totally different reaction.
Of course if that is aligned to my values and one of my values is to stick by my beliefs, one of my values is to be passionate. One of my values is not to conform so I don’t want to conform. I want to challenge the system and I believe in conviction, I believe in health, then I will put my belief that I want a vegetable curry and my value is conviction. Well I’m sorry lads you can say what you want whatever you’re eating there I’m pleased for you, but this is what I’m going to eat and I’m going to stick by this. In fact tomorrow I’m going to have a salad at lunch. “A salad Ro?”
Yes I’m going to eat a salad.
It’s putting some humour behind it and at the same time aligning those values with those beliefs, so everything comes with a massive punch. Because remember the other person is only negative in your eyes, not in their eyes.
They believe that meat is great for them and they believe that the curry is going to be great with all the beer and everything they drink. That’s fine, no criticism here and there really isn’t in this podcast, and there’s no judgement on them now. In this example this is what I want to do, I’m trying it out, I want to experience what it’s like to be a vegetarian for the next year.
The opposite might be I’ve been a vegetarian for the last 10 years I want to try being a meat eater. I might go out with my vegetarian mates and I go, yeah I’d like a chicken curry, “chicken curry?”
You’re going to get the same thing and that is what is fascinating.
I know exactly!
Now you’re out with your vegetarian mates who have been for 10 years and they go, “what do you mean chicken curry? Oh my god, what are you doing?” I’ve decided I’m going to try meat for the next month.
What are you saying here? What’s the message the listener can take takeaway? Because you’ve hit a fascinating point.
I think take responsibility, take responsibility for your choice and don’t let anybody else put you off because at the end of the day, whatever the effect is that it’s going to have no you it’s actually your reaction.
Every time you now react from this moment forth just remember that that will be your reaction to their reaction to you, and the only reason they’re reacting to you is because their belief is different to yours. And the only reason your belief is different to theirs is because you are a different person to them.
So just swallow it, accept it and take responsibility for your choice. They’re only reacting to you because you’ve made a decision to do something that’s different to what they want to do. Simple as that. There are three reactions there is the you brush it off and just simply allow yourself to live with it. That’s one way to do it or you let it slow you down and you go, “ah man.”
That is a common one, we see that a lot. That middle on there which is it slows your progress. It slows you down. It is scary because you are trying, you’re just dipping your toe in the water with whatever it is you’re doing because you don’t fully believe it because of what other people have said to you. You haven’t taken responsibility on owning the entire process.
You’ve said the best case is just to brush it off and they stop living in your mind rent-free. That’s a phrase that one of my friends told me. There are too many people living in other people’s minds completely rent-free and it’s unacceptable.
That’s the best case you brush it off, mid case it slows you down, what’s the worst case?
The worst case is literally you stop and you totally succumb to their energy totally. But let’s backup for a minute. Let’s do the counter intuitive one to the conversation we just had, the vegetarian that decided to meat.I was reading a book recently about a lady who changed from being a vegetarian to trying meat again. Let’s switch that around.
Here I am with my mates and they go,“chicken Ro?But you’ve been vegetarian for the last five years.” Yeah do you know what I just wanted to try meat for a month, it might be that I try it and I don’t like it. I want to see my body’s reaction to it. “But what? Why would you be so stupid man, you’ve been a vegetarian for all your life, what about the animals?What is it going to do to your diet? Block up your colon.”
They tell you all this stuff and you go actually yeah can I have a vegetable biryani please, thanks.
But equally Harms it could be I’m at your seminar to learn about Internet marketing and how to promote my business, we are doing the BATON model.
We should do a podcast on that by the way. Harminder does this great business model, which is called the BATON model and it’s a model how to get your word out there to the public through social media, how to get your business out there and he has just run a course this weekend which went really well for them.
So, let’s imagine that I am about to start your BATON model, I go to my mates and say we’ve been running this business for a while now. I know we do marketing through newspapers, direct marketing, radio, mail outs and everything else.
But I was speaking to this young guy, granted he is in his 30’s but he was telling us if we went to social media we could probably double or triple our reach over the next two to three months just by a simple approach. “What do you mean Ro? We’ve been doing this for the last 15 years we get a consistent turnover of the business, why would we want to change that right now?What if we do something out there and somebody says something negative to us about in the social media and we get somebody saying really bad things. I don’t want to do that, I think we should stick with what we are doing.”Yeah but I really want to talk to them. “I think we should stick with what we are doing.” Okay let me give him a call, I’ll set him back for four, five months. What do you think? “Yeah let’s go back to him in four, five months.”
They’re thinking fuck it, let’s not get back to him, but I’m thinking I’ll slow that idea. That’s your classic middle-of-the-road one, if I was strong enough I’d have said listen there are three directors in this company. I have just as much say as you, a third of it, I also put as much money into this as you all do. I want you to meet this guy. That’s my conviction middle-of-the-road is, hmm I’m not sure.
The worst case is I just let them completely put me off. I park it, I call you up and say Harms thanks a lot, but you know we are an old school company, we don’t need that. Thanks a lot. And that is it, I’ve written it off just by that one meeting I had with my business partners. Crazy, but that can happen.
They are the three reactions that can happen.
The outcome for you will be in the last case brush it off and it’s almost arguable that the slowed progress is actually worse than the worst case, depending on what your perception of that is.
And Harms the last two are the most common, although you might argue they’re two thirds of the scenario. So you brush it off and you just do it anyway. You let it slow you down and it could be by months or years, here’s a classic case the young lady that left. In fact here is the ironic thing, I don’t know if you were with me in London the 29-year-old lady stood up, I think she wasa Jamaican lady. She stood up and she burst into tears.
So, for the audience listening to this I’m at an event and Harminder was there, we are in front of about 60 people and this young beautiful black lady stood up, 29 years of age and she says to the audience, “please if you are listening to Dr Ro here and he talks anything about doing some education, getting mentoring and training just do it. Because 10 years ago when I was 19 years of ageI didn’t do that and the result was 10 years later, I haven’t bought a property, I’m still doing what I’m doing my family put me off.They told me I was too young. They told me I couldn’t do it. And sure enough, guess what, that is exactly what I did and 10 years later I’ve done nothing.”
Just some context for the listeners she actually sat in the same room with you over 10 years ago getting educated from you then, but she decided to do the worst case, which is just stop, not move forward and succumb to that negative energy. They were dream killers at that stage.
She was a worst-case person in our list of three things here and if you remember, she came in the room and she kept coming up in the coffee break and saying, “oh my god you’re real, you’re still here, you’re still here. My family told me it was a scam; it’s not going to work. This guy is not real.You’re real.” And she was walking around in the lunch break and the coffee breaks saying to people he’s real, he’s still here, still doing property. It was just fascination.
Although we are listing three things here,best-casemid case and worst case, which you could argue they are a third each it doesn’t work that way. Because in reality maybe only 10% actually deal with it in a best-case scenario, brush it off and get on with it. The other 90% just do nothing or they slow right down and get put off by negative people. Sadly enough, that’s the case.
On that note, I know we took it there because it’s important for us to know what the outcome, if you’re listening to this at home why it’s important to keep going, keep going, keep going.
But now we want to leave you with how to deal with negative people, so we’ve shown you how they show up in your life, why on earth they do what they do. Really stay away from the crappy attitude people that should be one take away and ultimately what effect they have on you.
It is your responsibility on how they affect you. That’s one of the biggest things if you’re going to write one thing down so far it’s that, you have to take responsibility and sometimes that’s a tricky thing, a tough pill to swallow. Now I think we should take them through whatever you suggest in regards to how to deal with negative people because you have, I have over the course of our careers yours longer than mine.when it comes to business, when it comes to doing change, doing things differently.Sometimes on an often basis but we’ve had to deal with negative people.
How can we share and impart that wisdom on the listeners and that’s the question, how do we now deal with negative people?
Five step process and if I do each step if you want to reinforce it or add to it whatever I’ll go through it. I’m conscious of time so are you able to put this in the show notes if headline it here?
Absolutely so growthtribes.com/podcast and as always, this will be in the show notes as a quick reference guide.
Okay great step one is thank that person for their opinion. It’s really important don’t just kick it back in their faces, be grateful receive it with gratitude. Say thank you for your opinion, then let them know that what they think is naturally different to what you think. It’s okay, “hey thanks mum I really appreciate your opinion and I do understand that you’ve got a different view to me.”
That is a really respectful way of you’re not taking a pin and putting the pin in the balloon you’re actually just slowly letting air out of the balloon. People go okay they come at you with a punch and you just slowly step out the way and let that punch go into thin air. So thanks very much, appreciate it and we’ve all got different opinions.
It’s like somebody screaming and shouting at you and you are not shouting back.
Yeah they’re shouting into an empty space basically and you create that space for them to let it out. But then let them know you’ve got a strong opinion; you’ve got a really strong conviction towards what you’re doing in an honest way.
And although you appreciate that they think differently to you with respect and you might need to use that word, ask them if it’s okay if they don’t allow this to put you off. Say to them I really appreciate you’ve got a different opinion to me and genuinely know that you see things differently to me, but what I request is that you don’t bring that opinion to me in such a way that it drags me down because I really don’t need that right now and actually I’m going to do this anyway. So appreciate if you don’t keep bringing the subject up with me because it’s not going to affect my opinion. I’ve got absolute conviction; I’m going to do this anyway.
That’s step one a very strong line in the sand.
Its humble, it doesn’t have an ego attached to it so I love that one. It is a nice starting point. A very easy thing to do as well.
Step two is you have to Harms completely cut them off.
Completely cut them off from your life. If it’s your wife, your husband, I would recommend at this stage you actually initiate a divorce in the next 48 hours.If it is a member of your family disassociate yourself completely from them on the basis that you are never ever going to speak to them again.
No I’m only joking!
I was thinking I’ve dealt with it wrong this whole time now.
No, no okay step two is, I think limit the time with that person and this is a serious note, or at least limit the time that you spend discussing that topic with that person if at all.
Meaning look it’s probably best not to bring the subject up with them again. If you can’t avoid being around them because it’s a close family member and I’ve done this before, I promise you I had the same situation when I got into real estate.
When I started changing my diet, in fact when we started changing our diet I was a terrible person to be around. Did you know if you drink this sort of water it does this, if you eat this food it does this, what about alkalising your diet? After a while my family were sick to death of me. And if anyone’s listening from my family they’ll probably agree with me on that.
I just stopped doing it. I stopped talking about it and I realised I was the one that was bringing it up causing that friction because it was my beliefs and not theirs. And that’s okay as well. So easiest way to do it is limit the conversation and we can do that by keeping our mouth shut over certain subjects, which is hard if you’re passionate.
If on the other hand they’re just a negative person by nature, then maybe you shouldn’t be around them. If they’re that last category stop being around them.
Yeah I mean loyalty, you love them, you care about them,it’s a close friend but you’ve got to think about your health, your mental health, your own vision and your family. If they’re around your kids and they happen to be talking in a negative way about what you’re doing around your kids, that because your kid’s beliefs. “So and so said this, aunty said this.”
And then you’ve got to deal with that, now you are dealing with both them and your kids as well. So think about limiting or restricting or some way managing that might be a good word to put around this, managing how you communicate with them when it comes to the negative stuff that they feel is negative.
Yeah and I think naturally Ro as somebody starts to build their business, their start up, the property business, network marketing or career change allow that space to take you and allow your time to be spent there more than spent dealing with these conversations.
I think that will happen naturally as well, but this is a great point. It brings it to the forefront, which is actually what I’m going to do will take me away from them without me having to force it as well. So I can still hang out with them but not as much.
That ties into my step four which is great.
So step one, thank them and let them know where you stand. So put your stake in the ground let the rest of the world know that. Step two minimise or mitigate the conversation whatever you want to call it but reduce the level of conversation.
Number three then is build and strengthen your beliefs around the very subject that you’ve now stuck your stake in the ground and said this is what I believe in. So that means reading, listening, podcasts, Seekardo obviously we are here you’re listening to us already.
A lot of you listening to this and you may not had a chance to do this, we had a few people message and say they want to get on the Seekardo. We are always there, but whilst you’ve got the opportunity go and do it now. Get yourself onto the growthtribes.com, get registered and take advantage of whatever offer we’ve got going on at the moment and come and spend a month or two learning from us. If you like what we do stay with us because it is a great community, there are some great tools but you do need to get around people.
Of course Harminder we’ve got the Seekardo’s gathering where people get together and it’s a great chance to hang out with other people. The other thing is your conviction at a high level now will deflect negative people, because what are you doing?
You’re building your knowledge, you’re building your strength, you’re starting to communicate in a different way because knowledge typically embeds words, sentences and perceptions in our minds, so we learn to communicate with impact. Our message comes out there with a structure and a sequencing and an order which is really important. That’s where CWI comes in a guess.
Often not necessarily that crappy attitude people but certainly those in category one and two,over time when you are communicating with impact and you’re really in the nitty-gritty of what you’ve decided to continue doing, you brushed it off and continue to do exactly what you want to do.
They start to turn, they start to say wow okay, this person has really become knowledgeable, because ultimately Ro the memory is a fascinating thing and it fades over time. So that very person who was negative to you at the start about 12 months, two years, three years later would have forgot that completely. You could win them over as a supporter by just changing the way you talk about the subject you are passionate about.
Correct and I think this is the whole thing it’s the language, the communication. Go watch some of the stuff that I’ve got on Instagram on CWI if you’ve got the opportunity to come and join one of our webinars on communicating with impact or come to one of the events do it, because it’s really, really powerful.
Step four then is hang out with great people, which is what you’re suggesting previously.Redirect where you put your focus, your time and energy, hang out with amazing positive people.
You’ve got the GrowthTribes, you’ve got our events for our gatherings, go to other events. There are some great speakers out there, there are some great inspirational people, but mixing and now what we’re doing is we’re starting to shift the energy around us so that we are putting more positivity around the negativity. We are putting a different mindset around us, we’re starting to have people that reinforce what we believe, support us, encourage.
You’ve now got a group of people to hang out but also to lean on as well when you need it on tough times.
I love that, lifting you up also means lifting you up on top of the beliefs that you built in step three.
So, talking to Harminder one conversation with him might just reinforce the belief you’ve built in that third step. You might say to Harms, that’s amazing you’ve said that because I’ve just been reading about this. I’ve just been listening to that and him saying that might just be the extra lift that you need to consolidate that belief.
I love this it’s fantastic. If you look at the process and the sequence there’s no way out. You’re reshaping your beliefs about who you are, what you do and it’ not that we are excluding the negative people, what we’re doing is excluding the chat, the noise, the busyness, the language, the energy they bring into your body.
It doesn’t mean to say you can’t have them around you, you’ve just got to find a different way to filter what they say to you.
I think following this process so far up to step four will lead to a different reaction from the negative people.
Just imagine them and people similar to them having a conversation talking about you, but instead of talking about you in a negative way or calling you the negative person, they’re probably listening to a podcast which is around how to deal with overly positive people in the world. I imagine that’s something that they listen to. So let them continue to listen to that and get yourself surrounded by us and positive people so you just don’t have that influence over you. I think that’s the key here with number four. Just hang out with great people.
I think that last one actually is as important if not more than any of the others because that association sometimes is that safety net when you’re having a really tough day, so please don’t underestimate that.
The fifth one is just be grateful and I think it’s a tough one. I had this conversation with my daughter I said why don’t we be grateful for the fact that you heard this from this person and she said what do you mean? I said you can learn from it.
I think a good way to look at this is there is no light without dark. You wouldn’t appreciate the light if everything was light. There isn’t any sweet without sour, the first time you taste something sweet you go oh my gosh this tastes really sweet.
That’s because you’ve experienced sour but equally if you’ve never tasted anything sour and you have anything sweet it’s the same thing. I think human beings are the same be grateful for having the most amazingly positive people in your life and be grateful for having the most amazingly negative people in your life. Because we can learn from other people’s view of the world. Just because we believe something doesn’t mean to say it is absolute and it’s the only way.
I would be a fool to believe that just because I eat primarily vegetarian based diet and I eat and drink healthy that that is the only way to live, because there are other people out there that might show me that they’ve been eating a certain way and they feel healthy and great as well.
All I can do is be grateful for everybody’s views and know that it’s okay to accept that imagine if the world was all one colour, or if everyone thought the same way. So use the good experience and the bad experiences to shape your beliefs and your conviction.
Be fascinated with people that do not believe the same thing as you rather than frustrated and just practice that daily gratitude. That is not to say that I am perfect by a long shot. I have my grumbles; I do get frustrated with negative people sometimes but what I typically do is I’ll let it out first and I just say okay, and you and I have had this conversation before. It happened this weekend actually, it is like what can I learn from this? What can I take away from this? How can I become better from this experience? How can I change the way I react to the situation next time, so I don’t feel the same way the next time.
That’s age, wisdom, insight, emotional development, all wrapped up into one sentence really.
That is amazing Ro.
That’s a five-step process on how to deal with negative people but before we finally close off I wanted to fire a different kind of question to you. Because that’s amazing that’s a process which can be implemented over two weeks, a month, two months, a year and so on.
This is basically something that somebody can build into their life and make a habit and a process over time, which means you know they just don’t react to negative people they brush off them off. They fall into that small one to two percent or 10% as you described it where negative people can say what they want to them, but their conviction is still strong.
For example I need to buy a house in terms of an investment. I need to do by X, Y and Z and it has to be done pretty much within the next two days. A decision has to be made but I’m hearing so many negative things, but I have to make this decision and I imagine you’ve been in the situation so many times.Is this the right process or do we use a different process for making a rapid decision when everybody around you is being negative.
That is a brilliant question and I actually hope in some way, shape or form maybe with your team, you can take the answer to that question and just made a little extract out onto social media. Because what you’ve just asked there so many people deal with this on a daily basis. For example, on my events when people come to an event and they’ve got a decision to make and then they let someone else at home pee over it and they fall into one of those three categories. It’s not normally the first category.
Let me suggest a slightly different rapid approach to this, the assumption here Harms is that the person listening to this has enough conviction that they want to do the very thing they’ve spoken about. Can we make that assumption to start with?
Okay so you’ve gone to somebody, you’ve talked to them and you really want to do this thing, or you’re starting this something, or you are trialling something, you’re going to experiment or you’re going to eat this dinner. This type of food or you’re going to date this person whoever it is. You genuinely believe it. In which case, then of the five steps we’ve just talked about you have to do the first of which is, thank you for your opinion, I do appreciate your opinion is different to mine, but I am absolutely going to do this anyway.
That is it.
The first step and you just have to stand by that, and it is complete conviction. So this isn’t like a wavering oh my gosh you could be right, sugar let me just think about that.
No, no, if you want to deal with this rapidly it’s bang, thank you very much really appreciate your opinion, I love you and absolutely respect you for who you are. If it’s a parent or your husband or your wife, if somebody is listening to this right now and you’re facing that decision.
Maybe you’re at an event with someone like myself, or it might be that you got to book onto something or make a decision quickly. A decision to invest in a business and you know that it’s right, done all the numbers and everything is right and you’ve got someone potentially that’s going to be negative to you, but you’re in that moment hesitation in these situations will lose you the opportunity.
There is something called success loves speed, so you have to pursue that success and you have to really go down the avenue of saying I believe in this. That is the first thing, thank them for their opinion, but tell them you’re going to do it anyway.
Number two is you really ideally need to just check-in with somebody else that you know that’s done what you’re going to do and you know that they believe in this and you know that they will see this through with you if you need a little bit of help, a bit of encouragement if nothing else.
The second thing is you go from a negative person to a positive person. So, for example, we had this weekend and this is a common one for our events. There was a chap there and a lady. Two separate, independent people. The chap had a really negative wife and she was not particularly positive in any way about what he was looking to do.
He checked in with her on the Saturday night she was really saying don’t do this you shouldn’t do this, we should keep our money in the bank account, let’s stay working in our jobs, I’m sure we’ll be safe. He came back in the next morning and he said I’ve been thinking about what my wife said and I think she’s right. Maybe I should stay in my job for now and not invest in building a property business and thanks anyway. He allowed her to do this.
The second one was a woman whose stepfather came with her and he actually was really negative. He said I don’t want to be like that guy, I don’t want to be a millionaire or anything like that, I don’t want to be like him. She said no it’s not about being a millionaire dad it’s actually the fact that he is showing us how we can get security. No, let’s just go and buy a house for cash and we will be fine. What she did was she signed up to the courses, she said to him okay dad I’m going to do this anyway. And the first thing she did was she hung out with us all evening. S
he talked to me, she talked to the team, talked to all of us that had done it. Talked to us about the stories and experiences we had, the negative experiences we had and it absolutely reinforced for her that she was doing the right thing. Is this making sense?
That makes absolute sense.Essentially in simple terms, it is just speak to the right people and those right people is somebody who has walked the path that you have a desire to walk.
Exactly and in doing that she also asked the questions that were making her nervous because of what he was saying.She would come back and say, just to let you know I’m doing this anyway, I’m going to raise the money. How did you deal with this? Ro how did you deal with this? What about your partner, mum and your brother and sister?
She was literally asking the crew and it was great as she wasn’t doing it in a negative way. She was asking us how we handled it. How did we raise our money instead of going, oh my gosh and looking for validation with a negative person.
You see what people do is when they get negativity from somebody close from them if they’re wobbly, they go and find someone else that is wobbly and get them to confirm their wobbliness is okay and they rip the legs and both of them collapse together on the floor. This processes is thank you very much, grateful for your opinion, I’m going to do this anyway.
Now go to two or three people or one that you really care about who you know that’s positive, that’s done it and go okay, what did you do? How did you deal with it? Do you believe I’m doing the right thing? Yes, you’re doing it, smash it. Go on I’ll get behind you and support you.
The third thing is do it.Do it, do it, do it.
Invest the money, buy the education, invest in the company, change your diet, eat a vegetarian meal, don’t drink alcohol, go for a run, date that lovely girl, date that lovely person. Even if they’re a culture, just do it.
Don’t allow the negative person to strip your dreams and to suck it all from you because there are drainers and there are radiators. Drainers will take the heat from you and continue to do that the whole of your life, it’s like walking on a cold floor. A radiator is like an underfloor heating system that continues to warm you up and radiate heat back into you.
Number one, you make the decision and you thank them but you do it anyway. You surround yourself with people that are positive at the moment and you can’t be waiting 10 hours to do it or 20 hours and three days later and you act, act, act.And then you follow through. That’s it.
I absolutely love that. So it is almost like a compressed version of the first five step process.
But it can be done in the space of 10, 20, 30 minutes Harms. I’ve seen people make a decision you did it.You’re a classic example, holy shit. I stood there in front of 100 people in a room everybody and I still know what you sat. if I remember this you were sat to the right of me from memory.
You were sat there close to the front and I was doing an offer, I think it was to do with the first person that makes a commitment to coming through to these courses. This was like five, six years ago. I’ll give you my phone number and I’ll meet with you. Was it an offer to meet with you?
Yeah and I think it was the first people I’ll actually physically meet with you.
Yes which I’d never done before. I could see your eyes and you just acted, didn’t you? I am guessing at the time, at your age, you had negative people around you, you just acted correct?
I just acted and if I look back at that time I was almost processing this but with practice as well it happens in an instant. This can happen in 10 minutes, 20 minutes, but it can also happen in that instance. You’ve just got to add that additional part which is speak to people who have walked the path that you want to walk, not people who haven’t.
I think the difference for you was you acted and then we spoke, and the conviction got completely consolidated so that no matter what anybody said to you, it was a done deal as far as you were concerned. That’s a nice place to use actually is when you’ve got negative people talking to you but you believe in what you’re saying, just remind yourself it’s a done deal, you’re doing it anyway.
Absolutely, I think that’s a great way to end this podcast.
It is a done deal.
This has been a mega podcast and I think it’s rightly so, because this is something that either people can brush off but worst case is it slows them down or it stops them fulfilling the potential, living their dreams, walking the path that they want to walk simply because somebody else affected them.
The biggest takeaway you’ve got the process now five step process on how to deal with people in a rapid form, but also in a form that you can embed into your life. So what I’m going to say now on dealing with negative people is a done deal for you listening at home.
On that note that’s myself and Ro signing out.
Remember, as always, the show notes will be at growthtribes.com/podcast. We will see you on the next one.
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