- Improve your personal and professional communication with Dr Ro
- September/October, 2020
- Hotel Sofitel, London Gatwick
Episode 045 – Why everything that’s happening to you is your fault, breaking the victim mindset pattern, using PROD to take total responsibility for how you react and more
How did you respond when the government announced a Christmas lockdown? Are you still talking about it? If yes, in which way are you talking about it? Is it from a place of – blaming others, blaming situations, complaining, frustration?
Do you find that you respond in the same way in other areas of your life?
If yes, then Dr Ro and Harminder talk on the subject of taking personal responsibility for how you respond to any given situation. As a result of developing the ability to respond in an appropriate way, you’ll reap the rewards of increased happiness in all areas of life.
If you bring awareness to, arguably one of the most important character traits to develop – the ability to respond – you’ll begin to see seismic shifts in not only your personal happiness but the positive outcomes that unfold before your very eyes.
The deeper level understanding of this falls into the realm of accepting that everything that happens/happening/happened to you, is your fault. Dr Ro and Harminder will talk around this subject in a future episode. For now, let’s take the first step in taking full responsibility for how we respond.
The alternative is to live in a victim state or powerless state of being.
As a quick reference point here as some of the key highlights from the show:
Obvious and subtle ways in which taking no responsibility for how you respond shows up:
Obvious – blaming others, blaming situations, complaining, frustration and showing up in this way consistently.
Phrases – ‘Why does this always happen to me’, ‘urgh – it’s not my fault’, ‘Can you believe this is happening’.
Subtle – pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, words, language pattern and subtle actions.
What can someone do to regain their personal power?
- Accept that this is life.
- ‘Bad’ things will always happen.
- Understand that whenever we take action on a new idea, project, business, activity. We’ll always face a challenge. Like Newton’s third law, there will be an equal and opposite reaction to our force. This means categorically there we’ll be challenged:
- Your idea will be challenged.
- Your passion will be challenged.
- Your commitment will be challenged.
- Your goals will be challenged.
At this moment you have a choice. Do you become a victim of that challenge or do you respond in a way which embraces the challenge and redirects the energy in a positive way. A suggestion here is to study the Aikido approach.
Finally, we can look at Dr Ro’s Turning Point Book for inspiration on taking responsibility using the acronym PROD:
- Change your perception
- Take responsibility
- Take full ownership
- Then be decisive
Now you have a formula to 1) Be aware of how you are responding and 2) Change the way you respond. You’ll over time begin to create turning points in your life.
Affiliate disclaimer: NO links on this page or products discussed during the episode have an affiliate or advertising association with the Seekardo Show. Please support us via the supporter programme if you wish to help.
Harms: Hello it’s Harms here and welcome to another episode of the Seekardo show. I’m going to start with an opening statement which may make you feel uncomfortable and that is, everything good and bad that is happening to you right now is your fault.
That statement you heard correctly, everything good and bad happening to you right now is your fault and that statement you would have read in this description, possibly the title of this episode today and we are here today to uncover the truth behind this statement.
Now let me give you a current example, depending on when you are listening to this episode it’s around Christmas time myself and my family have done our Christmas shop. No doubt your family has, no doubt millions of people in the UK, international public have done their Christmas prep. Secret Santa gifts have been purchased and just yesterday like you said, depending when you listen to this, the news broke that Christmas is cancelled nationally.
Now let me share a bit about my personal situation with a newborn baby, excited grandparents, excited brothers and sisters of myself and my beautiful wife who we have not connected with. In 2020 there was this anticipation, excitement, this feeling that we were all going to spend time together as a family now.
Like I said, Christmas has been cancelled and we no longer can connect with those people that we love face-to-face in this family festive setting that we are used to. Ro I wanted to use this example to set the scene for the listener in what we’re talking about today and I don’t want to take that away from yourself when you explain it because no doubt with the experience you’ve had, dealing with what we’re about to talk to the audience about today on a personal level also, when you speak to large audiences I know from being a witness to this personally it plays out in such a deep unconscious powerful level.
Ro now that scene is set over to you to describe what we mean today when we are talking about everything right now is your fault. What does that statement mean to you and why did we want to bring this to the listeners at this time in the year?
Put my example aside at this point in the year why is this so important?
Dr Ro: Thanks Harms and welcome everybody to the Seekardo Show, always grateful you’re joining us and particularly on this occasion this is one of those podcasts which I think is going to go in lots of directions.
If you’re listening to this and you don’t want to be challenged now is the time to change to another podcast. This is really born out of my own experience, both from being somebody that on occasions gone into this mode, but also, more importantly from the thousands of people I’ve been privileged to be in front of and share the whole experience of going through life transformations coaching, mentoring, speaking, et cetera and it can show up in any situation. That is the fact that most people do not take responsibility for their situation.
Even when I say that it’s going to wind people up because I’m making a broad statement, I’m saying most people don’t take responsibility for their circumstances. So, for example, we’re recording this right in the heart of another lockdown in the United Kingdom as you said there’s a lot of anger, frustration around the country at the moment particularly as you said it’s Christmas time. I think there was probably more of it during the summer because it was a shock.
Now the reaction is slightly different. There seems to be a mixture of people. Some are like what can I do? Others are just thinking, okay, well, how long is it going on for? Others are saying fine let’s just make the best of the situation. There are multiple different reactions, the challenge of course is that there’s a lot of blame going on. I guess you’re probably hearing it as well out there in what you do and in the younger generation.
Also the older generation.
People are always looking for someone to blame when something happens to them, referring to really what is classified as the victim mode here. Another term that could be powerless if you don’t like the word victim. Victim is a very broad word and there are times when people are genuinely a victim of something that’s happened to them. So we have to be mindful of that as we dance through this particular conversation.
What I’m talking about is how you react to a situation in other words, if something happens to our listeners, us, me, you, to your families something like Covid or a job loss or you find out that your partners are having an affair with somebody else. That is a set circumstances in our lives that have been brought to the table and as such they are part of who we are now they become part of our story, become of the book we’re writing. They’ve become part of our history and the years to come when we’re on a rocking chair, looking back and talking to our grandkids. I remember that period.
Those are things that happen to us, but the conversation here is about how you react to those circumstances, how you take responsibility, how you respond and your ability to respond. Your responsibility, your ability to respond to a set of circumstances that have happened to you. How do you show up? How’s your attitude?
Mindset, energy what’s your passion, what’s your verbal reaction, what’s your internal reaction, what’s your emotional development in this situation?
All these things can completely change the experience because nothing has meaning apart from the meaning that you give it. I’ve stolen that from Tony Robbins. It is a quote that he’s had years and years ago and it’s just stuck with me like glue. Great philosophers over the years have given that a different phrase and he’s probably taken that from someone else and ultimately nothing is new in this world.
Even in this conversation it’s not like Harms and Ro suddenly invented the idea of responsibility; it’s just we may have a different way of articulating it. If we press the right buttons great if we don’t get pissed off with us go listen to somebody else but the truth if you listen to someone else and they said the same thing you’ll get pissed off at them as well. Maybe you need to take responsibility for how you react to this message.
Harms: There are two questions in my mind.
One is you mention the word victim and it may be worth clarifying what we mean in the context of what we’re speaking about when we use the phrase victim because, like you said, it’s such a broad term. It’s been used in many different scenarios and people are genuinely a victim to this situation that was completely out of their control and that’s not what we’re talking about in this episode.
But I love that phrase used around personal power. Now what’s the difference between those two phrases?
Dr Ro: By definition if you open the dictionary the victim is a noun, a person harmed injured or killed as a result of a crime, accident or other event or action. For example, a victim of domestic violence and those are situations where somebody or somebody is shot or attacked, they are a victim of an attack on them.
What I want to do is separate the two and say that there is a victim mindset, meaning that someone that goes through life and things always seem to happen to them and that’s the story they bring to the table. They tell you how my husband left me or my wife left me or my boss was a bit of a bully or my friends seem to just be rude to me. They had a party and didn’t invite me to that, or my family never seemed to connect with me, why does it happen to me?
That conversation is somebody that is articulating from the point of view of they are a victim of circumstances and it becomes almost a theme to the story of their life. As opposed to individual situations where somebody may genuinely be a physical victim to an assault or a situation that’s happened to them. Yes, in that situation they are a victim of that.
However, we could almost separate this in two and say those were a set of circumstances that happened to that person what happened next… Did that person who was being bullied by their boss come home sit in front of the TV, open up a big pot of ice cream then start eating fries and sit there and just mope around and get pissed off. Go back to work the next day and continue to do the same thing.
In such a way showing up as the same person each day and allowing an environmental situation to occur whereby the boss continues to do the same thing and bullies or victimises whatever language you use.
I’m using sensitive language for that individual or did that person come back and make a decision to change the way they reacted the next day? Did they decide to go in and say enough is enough. I draw the line. I’m not going to allow myself to be victimised by this individual. I have an ability here to respond differently, my responsibility is to own this situation and say what can I do next to avoid this happening again, to stop this happening again, to change the circumstances, to take back control to be empowered so he doesn’t do it just to me but to other people as well.
Harms: What we’re saying is it is very much the process of the dot, dot, dot, what happens next, and that what happens next is how do you respond, how do you react?
If you take my simple example from when I framed the episode today, Christmas is cancelled and that was cancelled by somebody in power, in the government and for myself, my wife and we sat there we heard the news we had a dot, dot, dot what happens next?
As an example for those on top of the news you would have seen millions yesterday heard the news at approximately about 4 PM and the law or the legislation would then come in at midnight for these rules to come into place.
There were millions of people who had a dot, dot, dot what do I do next situation going on and as an example I woke up to the digital paper is millions had flocked to the roads and the trains to the point where trains were packed as sardines to escape the City of London, in order to beat this midnight countdown.
That was a way in which somebody decided or a group of people decided that’s how we want to respond next, so that’s the situation we’re talking about. How do you react based on a situation or circumstances that occurred. We’re not talking about the judgement of the circumstance we want to talk about what you do next.
Dr Ro: There is no judgement in this conversation I think this is what we’ve got to come to the table with as a collective those of you listening, but us sharing the message is that there is no judgement. The only person that would make a judgement on you would be yourself, but then you have to take responsibility for how you frame up that judgement.
Harms: That loop you’ve just described there is a scenario and we’re going to keep saying it.
Dr Ro: The minute we say take responsibility that is a pause button moment, a dot, dot, dot moment each time because it leads to what happens next.
Harms: I want to throw a counter question in there because we’ve described the difference between victims in the context of what we’re speaking about today.
Another thing that may be coming up in the listeners minds but one of the questions that may come up is how can I take responsibility for something that I’ve not done?
Take the government’s latest move of closing Christmas.
Take the fact that my boss picks on me. What are you expecting of me? You want me to take responsibility for something I’ve not done, can clear that up because for somebody in this loop, the loop of not taking responsibility as such, that question may be constantly at the top of the mind. Yeah, but that’s not my fault. Yeah, but I wasn’t responsible for that.
Dr Ro: The blame culture is a term that really came to the forefront in the 80s certainly in my lifetime. There was a big discussion point around this and it was a culture that evolved in the work environment where there was the whole pushing, the yuppies, everyone was striving hard to climb the career and prove to somebody else that they were better than somebody else.
There was a lot of one-upmanship that led people to prove themselves better than others in the corporate world, which then led to people that weren’t doing so well blaming somebody else. This whole blame culture evolved in the work environment, but I want to take it further and say I think as a society we’ve gone into a stage now like a default position.
We just say that’s not my fault that’s somebody else’s fault that happened to me, but because of so and so. An announcement like this is the first reaction is to push back against, we blame the government for the situation.
It is a language we can all use and I’ve used it myself and it can sometimes be a knee-jerk type reaction.
The dot, dot, dot can have several stages of reaction and the first one is bolting to the door, grabbing a bag, grabbing money and a ticket and trying to get out of London. That actually is a classic as you say dot, dot, dot and it’s probably a knee-jerk dot, dot, dot because nobody thought what happens after that.
The situation here is that what I’m saying in this conversation is you may not have any control over that decision. You can sit home and get angry, frustrated, pissed off, shout at the screen, get angry with your kids, call your family. Moan about it, blog about it, bitch about it, but the reality is you’re like an individual trying to stop a 30-ton truck coming at you at 100 miles an hour it’s going to flatten you. You don’t have the physical ability to do that you’re trying to react to a set of circumstances in such a way that something in your psyche believes that reaction is going to change the government’s announcement, or the world happening to you.
That’s highly unlikely that’s going to be the case, I know this is a long way of saying Harms but whatever is happening at the moment you have to choose to take responsibility for how you respond or react to that. That’s what today’s podcast is about. There is another concept which is to take responsibility for everything that’s happened to you, and we could go down that rabbit hole but I think that’s a long conversation.
Harms: I think the first step or they’re wrestling with I think taking responsibility for everything that happens to you that is the stage two.
What do you mean when you say take responsibility for everything?
Dr Ro: Are you referring in the context of today’s podcast or the one that we might do after this?
Harms: The one that we might do just to give them a taste and then I want to loop back and then focus on the signs of how people react in a way.
Okay this is a snippet of the future podcast
Dr Ro: everything that’s ever happened to you is your fault. Everything that’s happened to you is your fault, so every decision that you made has led to an action. That action then took you down a path which then gave you the ability to put yourself in a set of circumstances, when those circumstances changed and resulted in you losing money or finding out that somebody had been cheating on you, or finding out that your health suddenly deteriorated that is because those circumstances you put yourself into led to another set of circumstances.
Everything has a chain reaction beyond you, which then has a chain reaction beyond you, which then pushes back and trickles its way back to your circumstances. What you earn today is your responsibility, every penny that is not in your bank account is your responsibility.
That is a conversation that could create a lot of kickback, but that’s the subject I think is a powerful one.
Harms: That is like entering the matrix when it comes to recalibrating and just re-examining your life up to this moment in time. Let us pause on.
How do we react now in order to help somebody understand how they react?
I think it is a good place to start with how does it show up in somebody’s life?
Dr Ro: It’s worth reminding everybody to look at this word responsibility because I think that’s that the hinge of today’s podcast response ability, response ability, response ability, response ability, response ability.
Take the word and say it in different ways. One is how we are responding to something or it’s just a response as in quick or slow. The other one is ability and it has different meanings, but in this context, think about your ability to respond. What tools do you have? What resources do you have emotionally, physically, intellectually and spiritually?
If you just looked at it and thought about that and you combine those two together we’ve got a very powerful situation. We’ve got someone that allows themselves to grow internally. It’s such a simple word and if you just think of it from that perspective. The dot, dot, dot is what happens next? What is your response?
Okay, but what is your ability in that moment of response? If you’re an uneducated and I don’t mean emotionally uneducated person. If you’re somebody that doesn’t have any sense of natural wisdom or growth, emotional development who you kind of basically grew up and lived in a cave and ignore everybody’s else’s opinion of the world and feel that the world owes you something and you kickback at it, you’re going to have a very brutal different reaction to somebody that has a completely different emotionally developed response to the world.
It’s worth establishing that word and breaking it apart because by the very fact that the listeners are listening to this episode enhances our ability to respond, because
Harms: What you’ll leave today’s show with is some tools, wisdom, an insight.
I think it’s great and if you’re wondering how do I then gain this ability to respond as Ro is breaking this word down into two pieces for us just by the very fact that you’re listening to today’s episode will start to move you forward.
You might be thinking I’m already doing that and I am responding with ability and I’m responding appropriately by I didn’t realise I was doing that. Whereas the other person may be thinking the signs that Ro and Harms described to us that is me and I want to change that. I don’t like feeling that way.
Dr Ro: I think it’s important to know that every single one of us will have these.
We are human beings. Part of the experience of being alive is that these emotions are there to help us grow and to also help us become sensitive to certain situations, become aware of other situations. It’s not being devoid of these but I think the very fact that you have awareness of them allows you to take responsibility for how you then react to those feelings. I’ll just throw some out there.
As an older person I’ve had a shit load of these. If you find yourself blaming others, that is a classic case of this situation happening, but I don’t want to take responsibility for it, so who the heck can I blame on this one?
Blaming situations is another one and I’ve had this because of Covid. Here’s one that happened to me.
Our house is being renovated this year as you know and the result of the situation Covid delays on things like plaster, labour, supplies has meant that we probably lost about three or four months of time on certain parts of the house. One of the situations we had was as you know yourself as you are involved in it.
We had hundreds of wooden floorboards delivered to the house over the summer, but those floorboards went through a curing process they had to be dried out during Covid and I got frustrated and the story I told a few times over to someone was that some of our floorboards which we paid a lot of money for became deformed, twisted misshapen. Here is a classic example of this story I’m telling you.
Now how I take this story can be me being pissed off as a victim and getting really angry or me telling you what we objectively had to do. Initially there was a reaction, so there was the knee-jerk reaction but then how do we deal with it quickly?
This is a classic example, it might not seem like a big thing, but it is when you’re in it living with your kids, a lot of money has gone into it. We had a situation where instead of it taking maybe two to three weeks to lay the floors down it’s probably taken three months in total and the reason for that is because they were just so difficult to place down.
At the time I was annoyed, frustrated, pissed off and there are all emotions I want you to be aware of because of Covid and because of the way the wood had been dealt with. It’s a simple situation to describe, but all of these things were emotions inside me, but I had to quickly switch that to a practical solution. I said okay, we’re in this situation, how do we get out of it, what do we need to do?
That is a classic situation of me blaming a situation.
We’re talking about consistency here, if I saw Harms out and I heard him complaining about something that is one thing.
If I consistently met you and you’re always complaining about the same shit I’d get annoyed as well, and that’s the other thing that it has a knock-on effect on the people around you. That’s different, that’s someone operating in the victim mode continuously and never about them taking ownership, never them taking responsibility.
Harms: There is going to be a scenario and you either observe it in yourself or another person. For example, we are doing this podcast and we are in episode number 45 number 46 comes around and Ro says the same story to us the listeners.
Episode 47 comes around and Ro is still complaining about the wood. Episode number 48 comes around Ro is still talking about this wood, episode 150 and Ro is still talking about this wood and all the listeners have tuned it.
There will be somebody in your life who is doing that and it could be yourself in that scenario where the story however big or small, or however insignificant or significant to you, if you keep saying the same story to every new person you meet that is the one of the biggest signs to say that you are not acting in a responsible manner around this certain situation.
Dr Ro: Funnily enough, during the summer that there’s a few people that knew about the floors and kept asking how is it going with the floors?
I got to a point where I kept saying we’re getting there because any other reaction from me I am looking at thinking it’s finally going to get to the end, but it could easily have been a long whingeing upset and it could’ve been articulated that way.
Harms: We’re also saying it’s okay to have a moan.
It’s okay to complain, just to clarify what we’re not saying is you have to be happy in an idealistic mindset all the time and nothing can affect you. That’s not what we’re saying, it’s about the consistent pattern.
Dr Ro: Patterns could be one thing to look for patterns. Another one is do you find that these thoughts hijack your brain all the time?
Do you find yourself being hijacked by the same conversation blaming situations, blaming others, blaming your own situation, frustrated towards other people? Does it hijack conversations with other people? When you’re with somebody else and you notice it in the middle of a conversation, that conversation gets hijacked by them talking about a set of circumstances they’re really pissed off.
Or talking about things that happened to them. If that hijacking keeps happening that is a classic example of somebody gone into that quote on quote victim mode, powerless mode not taking responsibility mode.
Harms: Ro based on what you said there what kind of phrases may somebody use when feeling or being in that mode i.e. the pattern or that feeling of hijacking.
Dr Ro: You’re looking for the classic one. Why does it always seem to happen to me?
It is a phrase that we hear a lot and it’s the wrong type of question. If you ask that question all the time why does this happen to me, you’ll keep looking for the answer to that question. People always seem to have a story or a string of stories.
In all the years you’ve gone through this Harms both as an employee, then self-employed running your own business, being involved in the seminar events in the personal development world. You’ve seen people that come in and out of different events. Maybe they’d been part of the journey along the way, have you come across people that often have the same story they don’t seem to have moved forward, they’re still searching for a solution?
Then go into another seminar and get fixed to that one and get a solution, have you come across that?
Harms: People come to an event to learn how to take responsibility and then move on. But what Ro is talking about is someone who continues to arrive at an event to personally develop themselves, but actually it transpires that they just want another person to tell the story to, that’s how I sometimes see it Ro.
For example, Ro may be on stage and there’s a support team to help facilitate an event like this, could be myself. How this plays out is Ro when that person in the breaks and lunches or afternoon sessions, et cetera they would come to each individual team member including yourself and say the same story and that’s when you know and then we could have dinner and say were you aware how can we help this person going through this situation?
Then another team member says I know they’re going through that situation, another team member says oh my god I know they are going through that situation. Then we have to work on understanding this person potentially is not taking responsibility and they’ve fallen into this behaviour pattern of what we are discussing today.
So that’s typically where I see it.
Dr Ro: This is an individual that has a massive need for connection but also validation and they get connection by telling the story. If you’re wondering how that gets connected because if you think about it, if you tell somebody about what’s happened to you that is a tragedy in your life or a set of circumstances that you’re upset about the first reaction by most human beings is to feel sorry for that person.
It creates a connection, I’m so sorry to hear that how did that happen? And who are we most interested in?
Ourselves, it’s human nature. If you pick up a photograph with 10 people, nine times out of 10 you’re going to look for yourself. It is our nature to do that. When somebody carries the stories around to somebody else it gets a link, it gets a connection, it gets somebody interested in them, gets the other person asking them questions. Imagine doing that to 10 different people you’re going to get 10 people showing a great interest in you, but also feeling sorry for you, and of course now you are the victim, et cetera. It’s a repetitive pattern and if you’re recognising it whilst you’re listening and that’s the problem, you don’t even realise that you’re doing it.
I’ve described this at events and I’ve seen people come up and say it is funny you say that I’ve seen people like that and I’m looking at this person thinking, but I’ve seen you like this all weekend but they haven’t seen it in themselves.
That’s when you get permission or start to look for the signs and these are some of the signs we’ve talked about already.
Harms: The question I have before we move on to maybe some more subtle things appears is how somebody can very quickly help somebody else become aware of this consistent story which is just the loop, bearing in mind some of our listeners are coaches, others that are helping others and understand this principle.
How can they help another?
Dr Ro: I think it is a tricky one because it depends who it is Harms and if it’s someone really close to you family member often they don’t want to hear this.
Whereas I find people who are slightly more distant are easier to approach. If you are aware of someone who is constantly doing this my most important question to you would be why do you feel the need to help them?
That’s the first thing, do you need to take responsibility to actually help them and if the answer is yes, then you’re making the assumption that they want to be helped and you’re making the assumption that you are the right person to help them. Even if that was the case and you say I believe they’ll listen to me, then it’s a case of sitting down with them saying I really understand the situation and you’ve got to be empathetic.
What I’m noticing is this is a similar description or the same story that you’ve mentioned to me before and use the word story early, that often gets an interesting reflection. If I say to you I have heard you tell this story before about your mums situation and then how it’s affecting you and I say I’ve heard you tell this before.
If I said this before, that’s very different if I say to you, I’ve heard you tell the story before. What’s your reaction to tell the story?
Harms: The reaction is this is actually happening, real-life. How dare you call my life a story book.
Dr Ro: Even by the definition of me saying it, it changes a person’s response to it. I’m using the word story as a test and this is a very subtle coaching technique. That will be a test for me.
If you react by stopping the sentence and that’s happened before, they go what do you mean by story? I say, you’ve mentioned the situation before it sounds like it’s happened quite a few times. You could use different ways to approach this, you could say I was listening to a podcast and it taught me how sometimes we get caught in a story and I get the feeling that maybe you’re caught in something similar.
That’s one approach to it. But it’s a lot more sophisticated, or you might say I’ve heard you mention this a few times before. Is it possible that there’s something you could do to change the situation?
Harms: That’s a good introduction to the process.
One of my key takeaways from what you said there is sometimes it helps if a third party or somebody else interacts with that person in order to solve it, which is why people come to your events, people listen to our podcast, listen to the Seekardo show video series.
That’s partly why because one way in which to help is one of the ways you point them to this podcast in a very, very, very subtle way.
They themselves may discover the fact that they’re in this loop, this story. They keep saying this consistent message and because this leads to the next point which is the subtle and the unconscious behaviour of this because one thing you mentioned was some people go through life for decades, we see people in their 60s and 70s come up with the same story they’ve been saying since their 30s or 40s.
This plays out without somebody realising and that’s where it becomes subtle and unconscious, could you share with the listeners how this may be more subtle?
Dr Ro: It is patterns.
Somebody who reacts twice a week to a situation is not so much being a victim it’s just being pissed off, but if somebody is living in that cycle that’s very different. In a conversation out there with somebody else and going through a similar situation you say look at this podcast, it gives you a hook.
Use that reference quickly to get people to listen as this is about them taking ownership as well.
Subtle unconscious signs are you have to look for it yourself. What thoughts are going on in your head? Where do your thoughts go first? When something happens where do you allow the flow of your thoughts to go? Do your thoughts go to an empowering place, solution oriented almost being slightly rebel to a situation that’s happened to you? Do you find yourself saying this is the situation we’re in.
We promised my mum we’re going to see her, if this lockdown happens we’re not getting the food to my mum, let’s grab our stuff and get out of London. That could be someone who is corralling their thoughts into a direction, whereas someone else says oh my god I’m going to call uncle, brother, uncle John, I’m going to tell everyone about how shit this situation is.
My thoughts are in that situation just going into a description of like this Muddy Waters, brain full of foggy negative feelings and those feelings can include anger, helplessness, frustration. These are classic victim’s reactions, frustration, hopelessness, disempowerment.
Listen to the words you use; they are sharp, edgy, internal words. I can’t believe this is happening. We all use them but it’s how often we use them and the context. That is actually going into a state of depression because it’s I can’t believe that’s happened what do I do?
Think about the energy, the vibrational frequency, is the response low-energy down in your stomach pulling you down or is the response cycling up through your chest?
I ask people to put their hand where they’re feeling and that pretty much tells me whether they’re in victim mode or not and there’s all sorts of subtle actions. How do we go and eat? Do we revert to some sort of smoking or watching TV, or some sort of behaviour pattern that is a natural reaction to these things. These are subtle things you look out for, habits you find yourself falling back into as a result feeling like a victim. When you’re powerless you pretty much let anything happen to you.
That’s generally the feeling.
Harms: I think when you’re powerless Ro the thoughts and feelings the words they just tug you in all different directions. I’ve seen situations where somebody’s heard news and they’ve just sat there stunned in silence.
They don’t realise they’re stunned in silence.
Firstly you have to notice your thoughts, you have to notice your feelings, you have to notice the words that are floating around in your mind plus the first words that come out your mouth.
What was that phrase, and also just observe yourself in that moment and it takes practice and it’s something which a meditation practice as an example can help you to to slow down that thought process.
Those surges of feelings, the words that fly out your mouth impulsively. I think if you to underline the thoughts and feelings of words and the actions which Ro has just described firstly you have to be able to notice them.
Dr Ro: Mindfulness is a word that maybe the younger generation are more aware of Harms because that’s a term that’s come in the last five years or so.
There is a concept of mindfulness and hopefully the listeners know that we go to the layers deeper than mindfulness.
We go to the unconscious, conscious mind and mindfulness I think is amazing because in terms of a word it’s got people even understanding that there is a concept of being mindful about what’s happening in your mind, but then when you listen to our podcast we’ve already gone so deep, beyond the concept of being mindful to the point of shifting these kinds of behaviour patterns. Because somebody who is mindful may still not realise right they’re telling the same story and the same story is not serving them in a positive manner.
The nice thing with mindfulness is it makes them aware. So even if it just allows them to pause and reflect. When have you been aware of these subtle thoughts or more obvious ones?
What was an example for you, maybe from a young person’s perspective?
Harms: I think in my early 20s Ro and I think this is still common amongst certain pockets of my generation and that was a sense of blaming the older generation.
As an example, I’m never going to own a home because the older people have just driven up the prices. I’m never going to own a home because a richer person who lives abroad is buying property in the UK and driving up prices, I’m never going to own a home because landlords are buying up all the properties left right and centre, so there’s none left for me.
I think blaming the older and also different class of generation the more wealthy, the richer this is something which was very apparent in my late teens and early 20s before I understood that stood the concept of what we’re talking about now, which is if somebody else is also wealthy out there you can be as well. It doesn’t have to be for them.
I think a sense of blaming the older generation certainly exists, then we’ve got the opposite of that which I’ve seen which is a feeling of not caring and not giving a damn. Who cares what the government says, who cares what this person says, I’m not bothered and I think that’s also a hidden/masked form of not taking responsibility.
Very common among teenagers anyway but that is different, I’m talking about when you get into your professional life, working life, your creative life in your 20s. When you act as if you don’t care or use that statement that you don’t care and I’ve used it as well.
I had spells in my past life, my past career where I would go through periods where if I had a bad performance review with a manager who is from an older generation. The performance review didn’t go as what you expected, they highlighted areas of improvement and one of my ways to respond was I’m not going to care and I saw this play out with other people in the workplace as well.
I am not bothered, who cares, actually this is a subtle form of myself not taking responsibility for the action and that feedback, that constructive feedback.
There’s a third and final one I’ve noticed Ro.
This is less I’ve noticed personally, but I see it more in the younger generation, and this is not people in their 20s this is people in their teens and you may know this as well. There’s a level of expectation that everything should just be served on a silver platter and I know this is a phrase that my parents used on me.
Interesting point is it their fault that because they went to university and got a fantastic degree and spent £50,000 on education that they should come out and get 30, 40, 50, £60,000 a year annual salary, but they don’t, instead, they have to work in a fast food chain in order to gain some experience in the workplace before they can shift to the career they wanted.
Is that their fault?
If we’re going into part two the answer is yes, because somebody should be taking total responsibility for everything happening in their life. But it’s how they respond that some people would get upset coming out of education, some people get annoyed, but it links back to this expectation that it should happen for them.
Then from the age of 25 to 35 there’s nothing happening proactively in their life because they’ve held onto this story and this isn’t the case for everyone. There are alternative thought patterns when you do take responsibility things do shift. If I were to pinpoint what this has come about from I would say something which we don’t know the effects of yet is the world of social media, the world of information being available immediately.
As humans we have two main processing machines in our mind one process things fast, the automatic function. If I walk into a room I have to open the door and I walk into the room. What that means is we don’t have to stop, think okay, there is a door in front of me. I have to turn the handle in the downward direction and push in order for me to get the room.
Thank goodness we have a part of our mind which allows us to do things automatically. Now there’s another problem by which processes things slowly and this is a rational conversation having Ro just for the younger generation, there’s a part of our mind which processes things it takes the time.
It’s when there’s a dot, dot, dot, how you react.
This is when some people are able to engage this part of their mind and some people are not and this is where the true responsibility lies on how you truly react to a situation. The problem here is for my generation certainly and people who use social media on a daily basis are being trained out of using that slow thinking part of their mind where they just go from information piece to information piece.
It’s almost making that ability which you spoke about even less of an ability to the point where it’s a weak muscle.
If you think about the fact that we can watch a video and get a piece of information which tells us how we should respond with headlines and captions and somebody narrating, we have a very weak ability when it comes to deciding how we will react. I think that’s one of the causes amongst many.
Dr Ro: The word atrophy came to mind as you were talking and atrophy is a result of a muscle not being worked on being used on a consistent basis, it starts to die off and you’ve raised the point I think for the younger generation the muscle of responsibility has atrophied.
There are so many different ways to deflect and to point the power and make excuses because of this, this is why I’m in this situation.
I think if the younger generation were to say let me take responsibility for everything happening at the moment in my life what can I do to prevent the power I think will see a shift in their attitude moving forward, but it’s going to take a really strong push from not just people like ourselves but it has be a movement. In the same way the vegan movement picked up momentum in the last three or four years and yet people have been talking about changing diet may be coming to more plant-based food foot for decades. There was a tipping point.
I think that the tipping point for responsibility is not there yet. It’s going to take a lot more work people have to start to take ownership before they actually can get that space.
Harms: How have you observed it in your generation?
How does this play out when it comes to not taking responsibility for the way somebody reacts? I’ve personally seen it.
Dr Ro: In reality the feelings are still the same older and younger, but the younger generation are experiencing it for the first time.
When you suddenly choose as a 20-year-old a 30 year old to get into that into the behaviour of being a victim and to use what is really, like a couch. It’s like a TV couch state of mind, you can slip back into that place.
After a while that TV couch has a little bit of a mould on it. The more that person sits on the couch in other words revert back to that state of mental behaviour. The couch becomes more and more moulded to that person. So when you get to the older generation at my age group you get out the couch let’s try something different. The couch is now moulded and that person’s tired.
They’ve got into such a habit of becoming the victim of not taking responsibility they’ve just got used to it now, so they’ve lost passion. What I’m seeing is that when situations occur now instead of a passionate fire response from maybe the same person 20, 30 years ago they dropped into the chair and the chair instead of springing back they just sink into it, because this is exactly where I am.
I’m comfortable in this person’s mould person. The person I’ve been for the last 20 years not taking responsibility. I’m going to keep saying it, if it pisses people off or prod buttons hopefully it’s getting a reaction. When we have an audience we get the younger generation and the older generation.
The younger generation are really fiery and then you get an older generation of which some are fiery they’ve still got that passion, not the ones that have been victims they take responsibility, and you see it in their behaviour, but there is a majority that are slower. Typically they’ve lost the power, they stopped growing.
The minute somebody chooses not to take responsibility by definition or by default they’re not then having to grow, they’re not having to do something to grow out of those circumstances to water the ground to lay new seeds, to build new muscles, to learn a new skill, so they stop growing. I think that’s the challenge for the older generation. They feel like they’ve been here before. They tried it didn’t work, they’ve lost direction because what didn’t work before I stopped trying. It didn’t work. They live small aspirations and they don’t grow, and their life just is what it is.
By not doing anything actually effectively you’re not taking responsibility. I’m not saying it’s everybody, but in that generation when people are like that it just tells me they’re tired and they don’t want to step up and take responsibility.
Although it is a dark picture why that’s important is if a younger person is listening to this if you are responding the way at the moment you’re fired, you’re passionate, but that’s actually towards blaming others, i.e. not taking responsibility. This is where you may end up.
There may be a point where they just don’t have the energy to even get up off the couch and I think that’s a tough place to be.
So the sooner you realise this the better.
On that note, what are the consequences if you don’t take responsibility and I’m painting them for you from my perspective. The study of circumstances is one of the most powerful ways to change your current situation, do something different. You don’t want to end up like that fuddy-duddy over there, whatever phrase you use.
Harms: I think that’s so insightful because one of the advantages we have Ro in our podcast is the fact that we are from two different generations so we can always paint that picture over the course of somebody’s lifetime and show you different pathways that can be walked which I absolutely love.
One of the questions however that may come up in the listeners mind and I personally felt this a while ago actually, 10 day meditation silent meditation retreat and one of the questions that came up early, based on what they were discussing is are you saying to me am I not supposed to feel the lows of a certain situation?
Are you saying I should be this happy person whatever happens to me just brush it off my shoulders and it’s all good, not bothered?
What are we saying?
Dr Ro: No. Feel the lows, feel the pain.
To be alive is to feel joy, to be alive is to feel pain, to be alive is to have darkness and to have a light, to have ecstasy and have excruciatingly hollow emotional experiences that is the joy of being human being. It’s how we react to them. It’s our responsibility for taking the emotion and saying what do I do with this?
How do I make this a building block in the character of who I become in the future? That’s all it is, we’re just a series of these building blocks which we choose to place them and reshape them. If we choose to be numb to everything then we can’t take responsibility for anything as well, so it’s not a case of not feeling it because I think the reaction is the reaction of your soul. It’s okay to have the reaction to have the emotional it means that you’re alive. If you can’t feel pain, then where are you?
We’re saying choose how you react to that situation, you can choose to be empowered, you could choose to be enthusiastic, passionate, a victim, you can choose to be hopeless, angry. It is your choice so you then need to start to have an ability to respond to different situations and the ability comes from growth.
It comes from having tools to know how to deal with a financial crisis, having tools to know how to articulate and communicate with impact in a difficult situation, having tools to know how to manage someone around you that is having a meltdown and it’s happened a lot and how you react to that. It is having the tools to be able to look after your health and not just say I don’t have to do this.
Ability comes from growth and emotional development and our reaction to that it’s okay to react to, but you have to choose the right direction. Life is this series of ups and downs.
Harms has just had a beautiful little boy already had a few ups and downs over the last few months and as somebody that’s got a 12-year-old and a daughter who has just lost a tooth overnight by the way, my youngest.
I know that Harms will have some joyous moments, but also heart stopping, gut wrenching moments when you just want to take their pain and take the whole lot on. But you have to have that. That’s the beauty of being a parent and being responsible for another child.
We’re saying acknowledge the feelings but then respond accordingly in a way that can move you in a better direction, in a disempowered direction.
Harms: I can assure you my eyes are tearing up because I have felt those moments and if I were to go back and say would I want that moment to be a numb feeling, absolutely not. I wouldn’t miss the whole experience so this leads us nicely onto the next question which is having established what this is the signs, what can somebody now do to regain their personal power and make this a new way of living?
A new characteristic.
Dr Ro: When I was coming to record the podcast I was reflecting on some early ones and I remember when I got into my property investing career I went through these training sessions but I connected with this chap who I believed knew what he was doing with property and I was trying to do a flat conversion.
I was converting two houses into four flats, this is going back to 2002. I just without really doing a lot of research I just relied on everything he was giving me. I just jumped in for speed to expedite it, I can stay in the south I was living in Hertfordshire at the time. I probably lost close to 30, £40,000 on the project with just money that was pissed away because the builders were appalling. It got to a point where I actually when I snapped out of this oh my god, this is ridiculous, what are they doing?
Why are they so bad, why is it taking so long?
When I finally accepted that this was down to me and this anger. I mean literally money dripping out the account for three or four weeks , I said that I need to take ownership of this. I got into the car without telling them and I drove up to them about 11 o’clock in the morning. It should have been full on working, not a single freaking soul at the house. I get to the flats and no one is there and bear in mind, I’ve been taking money up transferring money and coming up to look at the project on dates.
So I went up on an unannounced trip and I was angry, pissed off and frustrated by all those things. I never once checked the builders. I phoned the guy back and I was angry with him, he said it was your choice Ro. I did say to you if you want to check the work you said no. Then the neighbour comes out and asks if i’m the owner of the property, these guys haven’t been here for about three full days. I said where are they? He said they’re on another project.
What they’d been doing is actually being paid for another job and I’d been paying them for this job they weren’t even working on. That was four flats and it must have taken nine months but it should have taken about three months to do and it wasn’t even a major conversion.
That was an example of me as a young, fiery pissed off millennial I would have been but just totally relying on somebody else’s word, and not once doing any checking up at all, and yet I felt like I was the victim. I still moaned about it for six to eight months afterwards it became a story I told and then it turned out to be a story I told on my teaching in my property weekends.
Learning what to do differently.
Harms: I think that’s a fantastic example because we’ve spoken about personal situations and this applies in the context of work and business.
For me it was a performance review where I was one of the employees and I started to do side hustles. I started to want to build a business and get additional income on the side because I was that way inclined, and that had a detrimental effect on my job as it would, there is only so much energy in place you can put into for you to get the maximum benefit for that company and for my business etcetera.
One of the challenges was when they gave me the performance review I blamed them. I blamed the situation of my team, I blamed this person then I went into a mode of not caring and it was only like six months later when I said actually, I deserve a worst performance review. That person was probably being kind to me based on my actual performance because yeah, this is actually what I’ve been doing this is what my situation is.
The moment I had just owned the fact that actually that was my fault.
Every single part of it was my fault, and the way I reacted was poorly and wasted six months of my time. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and my mind was clear to understand what the next step was.
Dr Ro: Exactly.
Out of the story comes a solution, often how to get round things.
If we break it down the first one is acceptance and you talked about it, it certainly happened for me. This is about your response to a situation or something is happening to you. This is all about power. Powerless is another word for victim, so if you were powerful then you are the opposite to a victim so that means what do I need to do to become empowered?
The point is that no matter what is happening around us we are the one person that has a choice in how you react to that, we have a choice even that word alone we have a choice that gives us a choice to choose a powerful solution or powerless solution.
Number one is to accept the situation, shit happens, and the truth is it will continue to happen. No one individual listening to this is not going to have something else, at some point in their life happen to them.
Even if you sat at home and absolutely did nothing for the next week there will still be a set of circumstances outside your home, if it’s not in your town, in your county, area, borough, the country. Something will happen that will have a direct impact on your life. It happens, get over it, accept it.
If someone has looked at the pattern where every X amount of years something catastrophic or big happens in an individual’s life, their family life, health, finances something will happen and this is almost a pattern which occurs.
The opposite to that is the minute you, me, Harms whoever it is we have an idea something we want to do, the minute you do that it will require you to take an action. This is the whole point.
The minute you take Newton’s third law is that there is an equal and opposite reaction to any force put out into the universe, when you push against something it will react against. It works in our lives.
The minute you move the fact that I’m breathing in that will draw air into me but also create a void as my stomach comes in and out or vice versa, so there’s a natural reaction. The minute I decide to do something I now start a chain of events because when you do something it creates a knock-on reaction.
I need to call Harms because I’d like to start marketing my new product online so I pick up the phone and now I’ve made a phone call. That now affects his life.
He also then gives me a reaction to that this is what you need to do this, this and this now I’ve got a list of four or five things and that one idea has now become a list of four of five things. From it’s going involving maybe some cost some time, I’ve got to go and video something now and the only time I can do it because it has to be out by Thursday night is to do it on Wednesday night, but Wednesday night just happens to be my daughters piano lesson.
But I have to go and do the video otherwise I’ve missed the deadline because I’ve set myself a goal now, so I call up and say to my lovely lady could you look after the piano lesson because I can’t make it back and she said but we agreed I was going to take our youngest daughter Liv to a gymnast class.
Yes, that’s true.
So now what we’ve got is this situation, we’ve got a challenge that can lead to an argument and all of a sudden we get into that conversation. That came about from a single idea that I had and a phone call I made to somebody that I know helps and boom off we go.
My point is that the minute you do something, it will create a reaction and the universal will push back that what I’m saying is that every action or anything that we do it will have something that pushes back. It will test our passion, commitment, goals we’ve set, our ideas, a quick throwaway comment from a loved one.
Why do you keep doing this?
Here is a test of your commitment, your passion, but also could be an insightful lesson on maybe I’m taking on too much. So nothing we do Harms nothing, nothing, nothing we do happens without a reaction from the universe it’s then a question of how you respond to that.
It’s nature’s natural way of testing us, our conviction, our beliefs, but also just making sure our muscles are strong enough to deal with that next level of growth to go to another level of weight.
Harms: Interestingly enough that scenario if you were to take the scenario put it on a piece of paper just spread it out over a timeline it is an event which is occurring on that piece of paper which you then have to as a person reacts to.
This is happening constantly.
When you open the door to a new idea, passion, business this is constant because one it’s in the business or the workplace, then you come home and with the partner, with the children and maybe a friend and maybe a family member and there’s so much demand on us in society and the culture we live in and the demand achievers put on ourselves.
That is something we have to own. It’s not somebody else’s fault we want to do all these amazing projects and in those scenarios we almost have to react, if you take certain professions Ro property investors have to react less.
If you take a trader, a trader may have to react more consistently on a regular basis around that profession, this goes deep and it needs you to be aware of these constant things being thrown at you. It can be discussed described as the universe, pushback, a message there’re many different ways to read it, but you’re going to have to react.
Dr Ro: You saying this there may be listeners who are like, yes give us exactly the formula to this. I need an answer and all of a sudden that person is now becoming powerless because they’re looking for a solution from us and we’re not going to give you the exact solution because your circumstances as human beings are different to anybody else, we are all unique.
I think the most important lesson from this and this is what the whole podcast has been leading to is number one, accept that this is life.
Accept that there is now a global pandemic and there is a government lockdown at the moment we’re recording this, accept that that is happening but don’t accept that you can just sit there and do nothing.
Acceptance doesn’t mean doing nothing it just means acknowledging it and seeing it for what it is. Don’t see it for worse than it is and don’t see it better than it is and that’s a whole different philosophy on reaction by the way and you just simply have to acknowledge that this is the circumstance at the moment and then there’s a sequence to this you go through. I’m an old school reader from things like Norman Vincent Peale, the power of positive thinking, an incredibly epic famous book that was a life changing book in the world of personal development, decades and decades and decades ago.
I’m sure I heard him say the only people that don’t have problems are the people in cemeteries in other words, if you are lying dead in a cemetery, then you are doing nothing. As you’re doing nothing you’re not creating a reaction and you’re slowly disappearing into the world and then becoming a different form, but you’re not physically alive, engaging with the world trying something new.
Accept the fact that whatever you do whilst you’re alive in the world doing something in a bunker or choosing to do something actively getting out the bunker and starting a new bunker there are going to be challenges with that. You can push against, you can fight against it. You could use the Aikido technique which is pretty cool, which is where it comes at you; it’s an equal and opposite reaction. You learn to deflect and you take the energy from that and then you guide it into different places.
You dance around it.
Use metaphors, dance with the challenge, dance with the situation you’re in. Have fun with it, but just don’t fight it as that’s draining.
Number one is accept it. Number two and I wrote about this in my book turning point there are four things that stand for perception, responsibility, ownership and decisiveness of being a decision-maker. If you are following a sequence it would be number one, accept number two and change your perception of the situation.
Nothing has meaning apart from the meaning you give it. The situation lockdown over Christmas. What do we do? This is terrible. We sat there last night and we just said we’re going to have an amazing time.
This is a chance to get together as a family and just get all of our games out, unpack some of stuff that’s been packed away in storage because the house has been renovated. We’re going to make the house feel amazing, go for walks, we changed our perception of the situation. It might be a lockdown but it’s not locked out of life it’s just a different perception.
Harms: I think that’s the first starting point.
The next step as you described, and also that can happen with the action, but also internally in terms of like you said what metaphors are using, how are you describing this in your mind?
What feeling comes up and how do you change your perception based on that initial feeling? Can you change that feeling of frustration into excitement?
Can you change that anger into drive and passion? I think that’s where the perception shift occurs.
On that note who can help me with that perception shift?
What do I need to do to change my perception? Look around you and look at other people’s reactions who are or you feel more empowered so you could take inspiration from great leaders, they are some fantastic celebrities doing things.
We’re in the world of everybody jumping onto Zoom and doing interviews. I noticed Naomi Campbell the great model from my period particularly she’s doing some phenomenally inspirational interviews with great people out there that have changed the world and she is asking really straight questions.
Dr Ro: So go look at what other people are doing and how they’ve changed their perception of the situation and then be empowered by that. This is really powerful, so one is accept.
Two is change perception and that’s a quick way to make yourself feel better.
Third one is responsibility, it’s your ability to respond.
I’ll give you a quick quote from the turning point book, “take responsibility for everything you do. Take responsibility for the decisions that you make, the actions that you take and the errors that you make.
Take responsibility for how you’re feeling about an emotionally difficult situation that you may be in right now. Take responsibility for your failures, take responsibility for your temporary setbacks and equally take responsibility for your successes.” I guess what I’m saying Harms is just everything that happens except it’s my responsibility.
What can I do about it?
That’s the next step.
Harms: The step beyond that then is?
Dr Ro: Ownership. It literally is the next step beyond that it’s okay. I own this now. I own this feeling I’m angry, but I own it so how can I direct this feeling?
I own this situation financially. I’m not in a good position. What can I do about it? How can I go from being disempowered I don’t what to do to empowering? I’m going to get the spreadsheets out, speak to my bank manager, I’m going to reduce my debt over here.
In other words, take ownership for every action you take next. If you choose to go drink a bottle of whiskey you own that responsibility, whereas if you drink juice, go for a run, look after yourself. Here’s how you know you haven’t got great ownership over something: think about your health, your finances, your career, your relationship and say your family life. On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you in those areas?
If it’s a one that means you feel really crappy. If it’s a 10 that means you’re ecstatic. The lower the score, the less generally this is what I’ve observed with people they have less ownership, meaning that they feel like a victim, they feel disempowered they don’t feel as happy, they are not in control.
Harms: That links nicely to what we discussed previously, which is I asked the counter question here, which is are you saying don’t feel anything?
This is why it is essential to feel something because if you don’t how do you know if you’re closer to what you have? How do you know if you’re happy in areas of health, money? relationship in the family? Are you joyous in those situations and if you don’t feel it how can you own something that you don’t feel? It becomes empty, a void so I think that ties nicely into what you’re describing in this third stage which is ownership.
Dr Ro: Communicating with impact one of the things we do is owning your space.
When people communicate often they don’t see themselves as being a great communicator, so we do things, called spatial anchors. We get them to step into a place and then we go own this space.
This is where you are empowered, you stand in this spot here you’re the most empowering communicator. You can engage somebody, you can be passionate, you get your message across and you’ve witnessed that. You’ve seen people step into that stage and your brother was one of those.
Literally their body language shifts, they own that space, because now they’re in control and that’s what you have to do with your life. With every situation that comes in. Okay, I don’t feel comfortable about it. It.
This has happened to me and I’m feeling frustrated and angry and all these things that are natural reactions we talked about don’t ignore them. But now how can I take those feelings, and channel them in such a way that they’re fuel to my passion, the fuel to my vehicle, the fuel to my financial future, fuel to my relationship.
These things that we consider to be negative what if we compress them and pour them into the tank and make them the fuel for where we want to get to. Owning.
Harms: That’s the feeling we want you to take away at that stage.
I do remember those stage events and for those who haven’t experienced it yet yourself one of the things that you’ll notice is when somebody steps into that space and they own the space around them the audience’s perception of them shifts as well.
They’re taken back by not the transformation but the person in that moment who oozes ownership, oozes trust, authority, expertise just because of the way that they own the space. Your scores in areas of happiness are going to improve but second the way people around you feel around you it completely shifts in a magnificent direction. I think that’s one takeaway I noticed when somebody steps up and they own their space.
Dr Ro: It’s self-fulfilling because then you can see them standing in that place and getting biofeedback.
The last step in the process is just being a really good decision-maker being decisive. Now you’ve taken ownership and you started to put that fuel and redirect it now be decisive about what happens next.
What do I need to do to move myself forward? Who do I need to phone, speak to, what actions do I need to take? Who do I need to forgive and also what would be the next most powerful step that will move me away from this victim state I was in before, and now this new person, how do I need to act? Think decisively and start to question what specific decisions and this is planning now.
I think one of the things somebody can take away from this is the simplicity of the action in terms of what you’re looking at right now an acronym that says prod.
That’s perception changing the perception, the act of being responsible and the ability around that, then taking ownership and the power that that brings to you, your personal power. It is not about anybody else it’s about yourself and then making the decision to do that.
One of the things we haven’t really covered is what are the benefits to you as a human being for acting in a responsible way, i.e. everything that’s happened to you when that dot, dot, dot occurs how do you react next?
If you react at all it has a major impact on your life.
Harms: One Ro has already mentioned, which is linked with your happiness level, which is health, money, family relationships if it’s closer to the one rating there’s a natural feeling of low consistently for a long period of time like you’re not achieve your goals within certain areas and that is linked directly to the fact that you have less ownership in those areas.
So that’s been discussed.
Another insight is one of the things I’ve felt over time that everything that occurs which is positively linked in my life comes back to what we’ve spoken about today.
It’s very popular in the media in certain books, in certain motivational cultures to describe things like grit, resilience, persistence as core characteristics of success and living a happy life and fulfilled life.
And yes, there’s no denying they have a big impact, but if I personally picked one character trait which trumps them all for me and it’s this what we spoke about today, which is taking complete personal responsibility and how you react to a situation.
When I ask myself why was that the case it’s what you just described there with prod. It leads you very quickly to a decision because we are asking ourselves these self-reflective questions. What if I did it differently? Why did this occur to me? How can I change the situation in the future? Who do I need around me? How can I act differently next time this occurs so I don’t feel the same way and I don’t end up in the same situation?
I think it links directly to the fact that when you take full personal responsibility there’s only one outcome and that is you are going to have to make a decision to act in a direction and you described Newton’s third law very well in the fact that you will then be moving forward in a direction.
The very fact that you made a decision means you’re moving forward.
I think if I look back at my own life and reflect over the last decade and compare myself to when I was in a victim state more often than not versus to how I react now, I would say the number one item to takeaway, which I love the fact that we’re talking about it at the end of the year in such a wild year which has been the case.
Taking this characteristic forward as something to focus on will benefit the listeners greatly.
Thanks for talking about this particular topic in detail.
Dr Ro: Great insight there Harms.
Know that the minute you do this there is almost a sense of relief. There’s always going to be set circumstances outside us that we don’t have control over so part of this process is actually looking at the situation, saying what do I have control over and what don’t I have control over?
The very fact that you can accept that there are some things you don’t have control over that enables you to shed a lot of weight off your shoulders and then you just simply carry the weight that is necessary for what you have responsibility for.
The fact that you are now saying great I’ve made this decision you’re back in control again you’re driving the car, you at least have a chance to move your life in a direction that it wasn’t before.
Break that inertia this whole newton’s third law force and getting a reaction back. I think that’s one of the things I see as the biggest benefit is the very fact that people now feel a sense of calmness, not to say life will be calmer, but there’s a sense of calmness that I can do this, I can control this.
You don’t know if it’s going to get the reaction you want. You don’t if you’re going to get the result you want but you’re back in control. Remember, it doesn’t have to be necessarily the result you want because you’re actually turning a corner, you’re creating a wave, we’re moving the universe so the universe can then move in and around us.
But we can’t do that without this action, so it breaks inertia, it creates energetic movement in the body, it engages your intuition, passion, emotional development, spirituality. It means you reconnect with other human beings.
It means you reconnect with yourself at a core level, and it brings a whole different sense of purpose to the table. On a macroscopic level not on a big life changing level it gives each day, each moment, each decision a sense of purpose and that then gives your force to be reckoned with.
Harms: Fantastic so there you have it.
The concept of everything that is good and bad happening to you right now is your fault.
The way you react to something is happening to you right now is in total control, you have complete power in order to react in the way that serves you rather than be a disservice to your life.
Ro thanks for talking about this exciting and insightful topic which will lead like I’ve mentioned people into 2021, depending on when you listen to this with a different perception I hope, a different level of personal power that they take into the coming year.
That’s myself and Ro signing out we shall see you on the next episode.
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