This short video is really addressing when there’s a clash when talking to somebody else.
When you try to create more rapport with them, when you feel like you’re going back in circles with that person and it might be that you’ve got a certain style of talking and ideas in your head, and they’ve got a slightly different approach.
One of the conflicts is if you’re quite singular by nature and you’re talking to someone that is really quite wide thinking or vice versa and there is no right or wrong in this, but it is understanding the differences.
I’ve got three things I suggest that you actually do here.
Now when I go through the CWI process I talk about the 38 components but just for now to help you to avoid that, or at least ease that problem over there first thing to do is ask a question.
The great thing with asking a question is, if you ask the right question that makes the person you’re talking to feel more important. Just by simply asking a genuine, honest, and authentic question of that person you can make it one of two types of questions, there are several but if you want to narrow it down ask them a question about themselves. Or if it is a discussion on something broader ask the question about that subject.
You are dealing with somebody who is very scatty by nature or very creative, if you talk to me for example, I’ll often come up with lots of different ideas. So if I were talking to myself, I would ask myself the question, what about that area here?
I would ask a question that narrows me down to get to that specific point. I’d probably ask the question along the lines of you’ve got some great ideas here, can we just focus on that specific area you’ve just come up with?”
Specifically about that area.
Can you tell me and boom, now you’re bringing that question and focus into that conversation down to a specific area inside of that creative area they’ve got. Equally if you’re dealing with somebody that is very specific by nature and you’re quite wide, by nature, and you need them to consider maybe one other factor, so they’re focused just in here.
Every time you have this conversation it feels like it’s the same loop they want to go there and you want to go a bit broader. You might be trying too broad for them which can piss people off. You need to come out just a little bit and if you go too wide too fast they get confused.
When I’m talking to people who are learning to speak, for example, in front of an audience, if their audience is very analytical and the speakers have quite a big picture, they need to bring their audience from here out. If you go too quickly to an analytic they go woah, completely confused. I might say we’re talking about this particular area here right now let’s see how that links to this.
By doing that, and that, it’s much easier for the singular thinker to let me switch my focus to there. If you go this, this, this, this, and this, you’re going to lose them. It’s all about broadening the focus, but in a narrow way, or someone that is very wide, narrowing the focus down.
Use questions to redirect them, and again it can be talking about a subject, or something that they’re interested in, or we can actually ask them a question about themselves and then shift the focus towards the subject.
The second thing now having asked the question, is to observe them. I want to notice their eyes, breathing and I want to notice what their reaction is to my questions. If I ask a question and they go, oh god maybe I have taken them to a subject that feels painful or they just don’t want to discuss and they’re going to resist that. I might need to back off.
Ask a question that goes in the back door. Different styles of approach here, so the observational process is by the way, if you’re looking at the communicating with impact process there are three things we need to focus on. 38 components but three key areas.
You, the person delivering them the personal, the people you’re communicating with and the environment in which you’re communicating. The question falls into the you section.
Believe it or not, it’s the actual communication, it is the dialogue, the language part of us.
Them where we’re doing observation is actually part of there, so when I talk about observing people that is in the them section of communication. I’m asking the question and watching to see how their reaction helps me then steer the conversation drill deeper or go slightly wider out. Then I want to mirror them so if they put their hands in their pockets, and this NLP technique now. I might put one hand in my pocket not two because it looks too obvious.
Now I’m breathing in their pattern and trying to get into a rhythm with them. If they say to you oh my gosh gush so you want me to focus on that now, you’re going to go, yes what I was thinking here was to get you to focus on here.
I’m getting my body language, breathing, rhythm and various things like that in a rhythm similar to theirs. If they say I see what you mean. I need to be using visual language, if they say I hear what you’re saying and put their hands in their pocket I might say yes, I was asking myself the question this or I might say what is it you hear me saying?
They go, I hear you saying or what I hear the question. I’m using a language similar to theirs. I want to slow them down, shift the focus, observe them and then get into a rhythm.
You need to create a flow into your conversation so that you are in rhythm, then you can start to steer them and take that conversation in a different place.
It’s a simple technique and there is a lot more behind that of course, but at this stage go have some fun with it. Hopefully, that was useful. I’ll see you in the next live.
Have fun communicating with impact.