Hi folks Dr Ro, hope you’re well.
I wanted to do a short video for you because today I was actually recording a podcast with Harminder Toor and we were actually working quite hard on a strategy which has come up a lot.
The challenge is to do with relationships and specifically questions coming in to do with the fact that we are currently in Covid-19 and a lot of people are finding that they’re wanting to learn and study and grow but their partner is not necessarily doing so.
We decided to do a podcast on it.
Are you and your partner actually growing together or growing a part?
I basically walked through a five-stage process that couples go through, of which there is a breakpoint in that process where they either evolve and grow and actually keep psychically growing, or they go down a slippery slope and end up separating and going into different directions.
It is a big subject.
I have seen and I mean countless couples over the years where one of the couple has come to a seminar, a workshop is wanting to be coached around the subject of growth in personal development and when they’ve come into that environment the partner hasn’t come with them.
And the question Harminder asked me was, is this something that just builds up over time?
Does it happen quickly?
How can you spot the signs for it? Is it a big challenge for lots of couples?
Is said that most couples go through a point where one is likely to want to grow more than the other.
If it’s a one off when you go to a training seminar or learn something, read a book, try a new subject and your partner says they are not interested do that, the one-off situations are fine because at the end of the day, you’re going to have a different set of values.
We talked about the difference in value, we talked about the basic human needs people have in regards to relationships and what came out of it was one of the questions was is it just a one-off?
Actually the thing is the one-off situation is not so bad where the issue comes up is if one of the partners consistently doesn’t want to engage with the other partner on growing experiences, on learning experience and expanding experiences.
What typically happens is one goes in this direction keeps growing and the other one pretty much stays in the same place.
Depending on what your expectations are your vision is for an amazing relationship and your expectations of the future with your partner that can be a major issue and I’m not trying to be negative I’m just being honest, as I’ve worked with so many people over the years that the frustration I see in a lot couples is one of them does not want to grow.
If you’re watching this right now and your partner over these last few months has not necessarily taken a lot of interest in growing and learning, expanding and you’re feeling a sense of frustration that may continue to grow.
Especially if you’ve now reached a point where you feel like you’re outgrowing your partner and that can happen.
Listen to the podcast because I give a formula at the end, a five-step process to actually getting out of that.
There are five stages that lead people to going into it and five-steps to get out of it.
The biggest challenge is when people get into the cyclical process, Harminder talked about the fact what happens if someone splits up?
The question is very important because if you split up in a relationship where you go off and continue to grow and your partner hasn’t and then you decide to go in separate directions.
You go into another relationship there is a very good chance that cycle might repeat itself.
You’ve got to find out a way of getting to know somebody and make sure that you ask the right questions going into that relationship to start with.
The signs typically are you get frustrated with them. You feel like they don’t show a lot of interest in what you’re doing, you feel like they’re not really listening to.
You’ve lost that sense of connection.
Maybe you don’t have the same desire to talk to them about the subjects you’re learning, growing, studying any more.
Whereas in the past you used to, but now you just can’t be bothered because they don’t seem to be bothered either. These are the things to be careful of.
If you are currently sitting in a situation like that right now, you’ve really got to take the time to sit down with your partner because the wedge continues to grow and when we come out of Covid-19 what will typically happen and this happens for a lot of people when they go through the challenge is you’ll either stay there and you just click back into the old way of doing things.
And for some reason your values feel misaligned and you can probably carry on that for quite a while.
Or while you have the opportunity now during lockdown you sit down and have the conversation and that’s what I went through at the end of the podcast. I went through a very specific five-step process that I know works, it was like a coaching session during the podcast.
I think it’s worth watching if you are a coach and you’re working with people. I think you’ll find it very useful.
If you’re in a relationship and you’re feeling a sense of this, without a doubt I want you to watch it because you’re hear Harminder ask questions specifically from his generation versus my generation.
If you are in a relationship and you feel like that tug is happening, in the five stages I’m talking about in stage three Harminder and I explored this a lot.
Stage three is where the breakpoint starts to happen where a shift happens in a relationship and it can start to go one of two ways.
It might be you’re there right now some of the signs might be revealing themselves, in which case, don’t panic. There are ways out, there are solutions, but you are going to need to work on it.
If you’ve got friends and family or people you care about going through this shift or if you see it in them catch it early.
Growth between couples is immense, it is so important and growth happens massively at the start of a relationship and then for some reason, which I explain in the podcast, there is a specific set of reasons why for many couples that growth starts to disappear, and they fall into a habit.
They just plod along and that growth dissipates.
If you’re a coach, mentor, someone working with people and you are not familiar with this template, the system that happens does watch it.
If you’re single and you want to be in a relationship watch it because at least you know what to look for and if you’re in a relationship maybe you can look at where you are in the five stages and hopefully you are not going all the way through the five stages.
My main message is use this video to say where are we at the moment?
Are we growing together?
Are we learning together?
Are we expanding together?
Do we have a vision together?
Or are we just getting on with our own shit and fumbling along and sometimes we have some passion we go out and it’s all right.
Well, all right, is not alright, let’s make it amazing.
I’m going to sign off.
Hopefully, that was useful, go and enjoy the podcast.
It is free.
Take care everybody have a lovely evening.